


you're the only one (my heart keeps coming back to)

by catching_paper_moons



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of bad parents, julie/luke are together and so are carrie/flynn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28437885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catching_paper_moons/pseuds/catching_paper_moons
Summary: Reggie laughs first, then Alex, and then they’re both laughing so hard at nothing that they’re crying, and by the time Luke walks in with his bedding, they’re crying on his unmade bed at nothing.“You guys are so weird,” Luke says, but that only makes them laugh harder, and Alex wishes he could freeze this moment and have it forever.Life doesn’t work like that, though, so he knows he won’t.or, falling in love with your best friend is not as fun or easy as the movies make it seem. Alex learns this the hard way.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), background Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 51
Kudos: 170





	you're the only one (my heart keeps coming back to)

**Author's Note:**

> i have to say, writing a fic during your first semester of law school is a dumb move, but look. we can't all be smart. this baby got long, but i'm so proud of it and it's done and i love it, and i hope you do too. 
> 
> i would like to warn that there is an oc and he is alex's boyfriend for a time and he... hm. how should i put it? sucks real bad. also, there's a fair amount of swearing. there's a few f bombs. it happens. also x2 alex's parents in this fic rock because it's what he (and reggie) deserve.
> 
> title is from "always been you" by shawn mendes. 
> 
> happy reading!!

Alex’s situation could not be worse, right now.

Because Reggie is, very unfortunately, furiously packing his suitcase, whirling around the room faster than a tornado, mouth moving a mile a minute. “I’m not _mad_ , okay?” he keeps saying, though he _sounds_ mad. Alex’s stomach drops at the crack in Reggie’s voice. “I just wish I would have found out before dinner.” 

And Alex is, very unfortunately, rooted to the spot, and it feels like he can’t speak, which is bad because Reggie _needs_ him to speak. Because if he doesn’t, Reggie’s going to walk out, and they’re going to be in a fight for the first time since they were fourteen, and Alex can’t have that happen. He laments every single decision he’s made that led him here, because if he’d just fessed up, maybe none of this would’ve happened.

Reggie stops, chest heaving. Alex blinks at him, eyes wide. “Well?” Reggie demands. Alex gulps. “ _Well_?”

Alex exhales, shaky and unstable. He puts his hands up, placating. “Let’s back up, okay? Let me explain.”

—

_three months ago_

“Senior year of college, huh?” Reggie exclaims, unceremoniously dropping a box of Luke’s things on the ground. Something makes a shattering noise, and Alex snorts. Reggie, if he’d heard, pays no attention. “Who would’ve thought?”

Alex rolls his eyes, scrolling through his phone. “Not me. Not for you, anyway.”

Reggie huffs, and puts a hand over his heart, movements exaggerated. “You wound me, Alex.” He leaves with a wink, though, and Alex’s face heats up. He shakes his head and then the rest of his body, as if that’ll rid him of the crush he’s had for years. _Not a crush_ , his brain reminds him unhelpfully. He groans, leaning back on the bed that’s devoid of sheets, and wishes he could disappear into it.

(Luke told him once that if you’ve had a crush longer than a year, you’re probably in love. It was in relation to Shelley Kincaid, a girl Luke swears he had a crush on for a year and then dated for a month, when she dumped him to go out with Andrew Bruggeman when they were nineteen, but Alex had sat there and thought about it and then, quietly, had asked, “What if you’ve had a crush for eight years?”

Luke tilted his head, then, and his mouth formed a little ‘o.’ “Oh, Alex,” Luke said, and Alex shook his head. “He is _cute,_ huh?” 

Alex laughed wetly at that, and Luke gave him a huge hug, and suddenly the weight of whatever Alex’s feelings for Reggie were didn’t feel so crushing, no pun intended.)

Senior year looms large on the horizon. It feels like transitioning from child to adult, because this time next year they’ll be rent-paying, hopefully job-having twenty-two year olds, and Alex isn’t ready for that. School is a safety net; without it, he feels untethered. Alex knows how to function in school. Reggie has always loved to function _outside_ of school; whether that’s playing in a band (first the band with Alex and Bobby, and now with Alex, Luke, and Luke’s girlfriend Julie) or sound mixing for punk bands back in high school, or playing bass in an orchestra, Reggie’s always been talented and hardworking enough to hack it without school. Alex only _wishes_ he could say the same. 

Reggie comes back, setting this box down lightly, and then flops next to Alex on the bed. “Whatcha up to?” he asks. Alex shrugs, showing him an Instagram video that he’d been mindlessly watching. Reggie chuckles at it, and then lets it fade when Alex barely reacts. “You good?”

Alex takes a deep breath, exhaling evenly. He purses his lips, a little small, but still noticeable. Reggie frowns. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Uh, maybe because I know you?” Reggie scoffs, flicking Alex’s cheek, and Alex yelps. “You act as though I can’t tell when you’re lying to me, dork.” Reggie pokes Alex’s shoulder, and Alex smiles a little. Reggie’s eyes twinkle. “There’s that smile.” He grabs Alex’s face and plants a kiss right on Alex’s cheek. Alex feels like he’s on fire right where Reggie’s lips touched him. Reggie’s face turns a little more serious, again, and Alex tries to school his expression into something normal. “You’d tell me, right? If there was something bothering you?”

“You’d be the first to know,” Alex promises, and Reggie smiles. “D’you think if we don’t move Luke will just make the bed over us and then we don’t have to apply to grad school or think of post grad plans?”

“Only one way to find out.” They make eye contact, and then flop back on the bed, laying completely still except for the occasional giggle that slips out. Reggie laughs first, then Alex, and then they’re both laughing so hard at nothing that they’re crying, and by the time Luke walks in with his bedding, they’re crying on his unmade bed at nothing.

“You guys are _so_ weird,” Luke says, but that only makes them laugh harder, and Alex wishes he could freeze this moment and have it forever.

Life doesn’t work like that, though, so he knows he won’t.

—

But being a senior in college isn’t so bad, Alex thinks. He’s got the ballgame now; everything makes sense to him, he knows the professors, and he’s got his friends, so it’s pretty fun. He doesn’t, you know, actually know what he’s going to do _after_ college, so that’s less fun, and way more stressful, and he definitely doesn’t like thinking about it.

Luke had an internship with a producer over the summer who offered him a job to be a songwriter, which Luke leapt at immediately. Alex doesn’t blame him; Luke’s currently trying to put in a good word for Julie, since she’s his songwriting partner and their band’s lead singer, much to his future employer’s annoyance. (Alex just thinks if they _met_ her they’d understand. She’s pretty much perfect.) Julie’s got leads regardless, because of course she does, she’s Julie. And Reggie, well.

Reggie’s getting a degree in music performance on the bass, and he doesn’t know if he wants to teach or play or do something entirely different, but he’s decided he’s not going to grad school, at least not right away. He’s just as confused as Alex, which comforts Alex only a little, because Reggie definitively knows he’s not doing school, and Alex doesn’t, but. They’ve done everything together since they met in kindergarten, so it only feels right for them to be doing this together, too. 

Alex just… doesn’t want to lose him. 

It feels impossible to think he would, but how is he supposed to know what Reggie’s going to do after college? Whether Reggie would let Alex follow him? Because Alex would follow him anywhere, and maybe that’s a little creepy, but Alex doesn’t want to be doing something if Reggie’s not doing it right beside him. 

(And Alex is going to film an audition tape for schools on the East Coast, which is decidedly not near L.A., which is not anything that he and Reggie have talked about. Alex is not thinking about that, though. Not now.)

Alex sighs, so lost in his own head that he walks straight into a door frame. “Ow,” he says, pulling back, and someone behind him laughs. He whirls around, looking at the person in mild embarrassment. “You didn’t see that, did you?” God, if only the floor would swallow him whole.

“I did,” the guy confirms, laughing a little, and Alex feels himself cringe. “It’s okay! We’re uh. In that English class together? I’m Jack.”

Alex nods, eyes wide. “Jack. Yes. Hi. We were partners that first day.” Jack nods, smiling at him. Alex smiles back. “Um. I’m sorry you just watched me walk into a door frame. That’s so embarrassing.”

“It made me laugh.” Jack walks closer to him, lifting his arm to move Alex’s hair out of his face. Alex swallows at the subtle bicep flex. Jack flutters his eyelashes. “You might have a little bruise on your head, later.”

Alex lets out a long breath. “It would not be the first time this has happened.” Jack laughs again, and Alex feels _something_ twist in his gut, so he takes a shot. “Do you… wanna walk to class together? Just to make sure I don’t walk into any more walls, of course.” 

“Sure. On one condition.” Jack looks him in the eye, and Alex blinks. Jack smirks, biting his lip. “You get coffee with me after?”

Alex freezes for a second; every possible scenario running through his mind. If he says no, no harm, no foul, except that he’d have to see this guy everyday in class and know that he saw Alex walk into a wall because he was so lost in thought about Reggie. If he says yes, though, he’s committing to at least _something_ with someone who’s not Reggie. He blinks, then looks up at Jack, who’s looking at him with hopeful eyes.

So Alex laughs, a little shocked. “Why not?”

They walk to class, unburdened by time; by the time they make it, they’ll still be at least fifteen minutes early. Jack is funny, and kind of cute, in a burlish sort of way, and though he’s not exactly Alex’s type (that ship sailed long ago), he can see the appeal. He’s in a frat, and he parties, and his roommate is in an acapella group, so Alex knows him, vaguely, and Alex thinks, maybe, this could be good for him. If he’s read the signals right.

So Alex panic texts Reggie during class, complete with at least fifteen question marks and a long paragraph about how he hasn’t been on a date in years and what if he’s reading it all wrong, and he’s so stressed his left pinky nail is bleeding he’s picked at it so much. And Reggie really lets him flounder until he’s gotten out of class and is waiting at a table in the little café while Jack waits at the counter.

 **Reg** , 1:23 pm  
_Alex, I think you’ll be fine_ _  
_ _You said it seemed like he was flirting! Isn’t that a good thing?_

 **Alex**  
_but if it’s a DATE?!_ _  
_ _reg help_

 **Reg**  
_if it all goes south just text me SOS and I’ll call you sobbing after my bass lesson, ok?_

The thing is that Alex definitely didn’t wake up today expecting to be asked on a potential date. Like he _really_ did not. He didn’t think he would ever want to actually go out with anyone that’s not Reggie, because Reggie is _Reggie_ and is the most important person in Alex’s life, and Alex made his peace with that a long time ago. His sister, Claire, loves to talk a big game about how people can tell if you’re spoken for, in a sense. Alex thought that was true until today. Alex shakes his leg up and down while he waits for Jack to return to their table. It’s just…

Alex hasn’t really _dated_ , before. Like in high school, he had a boyfriend, Willie, and they kissed and traded handies and everything, and they’re still friends on Facebook and Alex heart reacts his updates with his new boyfriend and stuff, and that’s all totally fine. But he’s kind of _lacking_ in the relationship department. The closest he’s gotten to any action since Willie was when he and Luke drunkenly made out after their band played a show, and that ended when Luke puked on Alex’s shoes and Reggie called him, heartbroken over Marybeth Whitten.

So maybe he’s nervous. He’s been back for two weeks and in classes for one and now he’s on a _date._ Maybe. If he read the signals right. Which Alex has _not_ been known to do well. 

“One iced dirty chai for Alex,” Jack says with a wink, sliding into the chair across from him. Alex smiles, taking a sip. “You know I’ve _never_ ordered that before.”

“Oh, I’m so—”

“I’d actually never heard of it! But it sounds good.” Jack takes a sip of his drink, then, wincing as he swallows. “That was too hot.”

“There’s a reason to never get hot drinks,” Alex shoots back, and Jack laughs. Suddenly, he thinks, maybe this won’t be so bad, and he’ll be able to handle it like a normal person. “Except tea. Very important when you’re sick and a singer and need something soothing.” Jack nods like he understands, and Alex smiles, and everything seems fine.

The conversation is smooth and easy and fun; Alex finds that he’s actually enjoying himself, once he gets past the layers of anxiety. Jack can be kind of mean in a joking way, which Alex gets _intimately_ , and Alex absolutely shouldn’t get involved with someone when he’s so hung up on someone else. But… since he definitely doesn’t have a shot with Reggie, maybe Jack can help. It doesn’t need to be serious, but to just dip his toes into dating? He never felt like he’d have the chance.

(He remembers, vividly, the moment he turned down his third prom date senior year, and Bobby had been standing with him, looking at him like he was crazy. “It’s okay if I go alone,” he’d said, and Bobby had just rolled his eyes. But Alex had heard that Mira, Reggie’s kind of girlfriend, was thinking about taking someone else to prom and breaking up with Reggie.

And, well. When Reggie came to him, not really crying but upset that he’d be going stag, Alex told him that he’d go with him. The fear of going to prom alone was worth the pure elation on Reggie’s face. And Alex knew, in that moment, that he was so, _so_ fucked.)

Jack and Alex walk in the general direction of Alex’s apartment, slowly, laughing all the way at stupid stories they’ve told other people a million times, but it’s new for each of them. And Alex likes this. It’s simple, easy. He doesn’t feel the uncomfortable weight on his chest that he’s felt for the past ten years whenever he thinks about his inevitable future of turning into his Uncle Gary. Instead, he feels a burgeoning chance at something new, and it’s surprisingly really nice.

Jack stops him, in front of an apartment complex, gesturing. “This is me,” he says, shrugging. “This was fun.”

Alex nods, smiling. “It was.” And he opens his mouth to say something else, ask if this was a date, maybe, but then there’s someone jumping on his back, and he yells. Then, there’s bright laughter in his ear, and his face heats up. “What the _hell_ , Reggie?”

“Hi, Alex!” Reggie says in his ear, arm dangling over his shoulders. He sticks his right hand out to Jack, who’s watching in bemusement and something else that Alex can’t quite parse out. “Hi, I’m Reggie, Alex’s roommate.”

“That’s all I am now? Your roommate?” Alex laughs, but he suddenly feels incredibly self-conscious that his giant fucking crush is showing. If Jack notices, though, he doesn’t say anything, he just eyes Reggie in barely concealed amusement and something else. 

“ _You’re_ Reggie. Okay. Alex talked a lot about you,” Jack says, and he shakes Reggie’s hand. There’s a bit of an edge to his tone, but he’s still smiling, which Alex counts as a win. Reggie beams anyway. (It’s not the first time they’ve been faced with the tone of “ _oh,_ it’s you,” from someone else on campus.) 

“Ah, that’s just because we’ve been best friends forever since kindergarten. Funny how he’s still keeping me around.” Reggie laughs, and Alex feels his chest tighten at the sound, but he relaxes in Reggie’s hold, eyes on the slope of Reggie’s nose as he watches Reggie’s eyelashes hit his cheek. “You are…?”

“Jack. I’m Alex’s classmate. We, uh. Were just coming back from getting coffee.” Reggie blinks, and suddenly his arm is gone and he’s knocking against Alex’s shoulder. Alex furrows his brows, but Reggie just shrugs. When Alex looks at Jack, though, Jack is looking down at his feet.

“I’ll meet you at home, Alex,” Reggie says, flashing a quick smile up at him. Alex tilts his head. “Bye, Jack. Nice to meet you!” 

And then he’s gone in a flash, and Jack is smiling again and Alex forgets all about Reggie’s potential weirdness, and Jack is saying goodbye and kissing him on the cheek. And Alex lifts his hand to his cheek, touching it softly where Jack had just kissed it, and if he thinks about it too long he’s going to be bright red when he gets home. But then Jack comes back out, stopping him before he goes.

“That was a date, by the way,” Jack says, looking into his eyes, as if he’d read Alex’s mind. “If that’s what you want.”

And that’s the kicker, right? _If that’s what you want._ Alex takes a second, blinking, thinking about Reggie’s arm around his shoulder and Jack’s lips on his cheek, and he thinks this could be good for him. “Yeah.” He nods, a little breathless. “I definitely want.” 

So Alex walks home, having just been on a date, and everything seems fine. In fact, things seem to be looking up.

—

After that, things with Jack move fast; it’s a shock considering Alex had said he didn’t want anything serious. But Jack comes over a lot, or Alex goes to his, and Alex likes being able to kiss someone and _touch_ someone and be intimate with someone in a way that he hasn’t really ever had. It’ll never hold a candle to the way Reggie makes him feel, but then again, nothing ever will, so he’ll take what he can get. If he tries hard enough, he can feel like he’s over Reggie, some days, his thoughts consumed with nothing but Jack’s lips and Jack’s hands and Jack’s soft hair when he’s asleep on Alex’s chest, and Alex thinks that this is really nice.

Jack isn’t perfect, by any means. Alex isn’t, like, blinded by anything, he doesn’t think. Like, Jack’s joking can turn mean, sure, especially toward people Alex is friendly with. But Jack’s penchant for a mean streak has never been turned on him before, and he thinks, maybe, Jack is just wary of new people, because every time Jack is at his and Reggie’s place, he acts a bit odd around Reggie.

At first, he’d worried his feelings were bleeding through, and he’d sent Willie a frantic Facebook message, because he definitely didn’t want Jack knowing about his stupid crush on Reggie. ( _Not a crush!_ his brain says again, and Alex hates everything about this.)

 **Willie** , 8:39 am  
_lmao yeah. but i figured that was just u, and i knew we weren’t a forever thing. i mean i really liked you and you really liked me but no one else can be reggie, right?_

(Alex had gotten that message and thrown his phone far away from him for a long, long time.)

Then, he’d asked Reggie about it. Asking Jack seemed to be out of the question; Alex didn’t have a good feeling about it. Maybe Jack would be upset and take it out on Reggie, which was the opposite of what Alex wanted. So asking Reggie was the only solution, since Luke and Julie had yet to meet him officially. 

But Reggie brushed it off. He’d said, “Alex, don’t worry about me. I just want you to be happy.” Alex had frowned, and Reggie had pushed him out the door to his next date, and it all kind of melted when he was in front of Jack. It always kind of melts when he’s in front of Jack.

But then Reggie will make him coffee in the morning (two sugars as always), or fall asleep next to him on the couch, or bring him dinner when he’s working late in the music tech lab, and Alex can’t just get over it as easily as he wants. He can’t forget _why_ he’s been in love with Reggie for years when Reggie just does this for him, without even asking, without Alex even telling him. Reggie’s been doing stuff like this for him since they were fifteen; he’s gotten used to it. And it’s sweet and domestic and it makes Alex fall even more in love. So this thing with Jack has to have an expiration date.

(And it will. Because Alex films that audition tape and sends it in, along with compositions he’s worked on for years. And sure, it’s a long shot, but he doesn’t tell Jack or Reggie anything about it, and once it’s sent in, he pretends it didn’t even happen.)

Expiration date aside, he had to turn Jack down for a date earlier, which sucked. Jack had asked him to get noodles for dinner, and Alex had to say no. The ensuing conversation just felt _wrong,_ with Jack asking why Alex was “always working in the tech lab on weeknights” and if the band’s “EP is really worth it.” Alex didn’t reply to that, even after Jack had apologized.

He’s _just_ started his shift when Reggie walks in, key card in hand. “I took your shift,” he says without preamble. Alex looks up, confused. “You switched with me for tomorrow at 11.” Reggie’s look is pointed, and he gestures to Alex to get up.

“No, I didn’t?” Alex turns around in the chair and watches Reggie unpack his things. “Reg, what—”

“Alex.” There’s a pregnant pause, and then Reggie sighs, pulling Alex up out of the chair. “I ran into Jack in the dining hall?” Alex opens his mouth to speak, but Reggie talks over him. “I was going to grab you dinner like I always do, but he asked where you were and then I told him and he said you’ve been ‘ _really_ busy’ in the lab, which, y’know, made sense because I know you’ve been working on the EP—”

“Reg.”

“And I felt bad because I can mix shit, too, so I told him that I’d switch shifts with you so you could hang out with him tonight.” Reggie looks up from the floor, then, and Alex feels a mixture of guilt and gratitude and also a little bit of anger at Jack, because this gesture literally melted him like no other, because of course Reggie would. But—

“Reggie, wait. But tonight is your radio show?” Reggie just shrugs, and Alex shakes his head, eyes wide. “Reggie!”

“Luke got Julie to host with him last minute.” Reggie looks back down at the floor, and then up at Alex. He smiles, but it looks forced. Alex tilts his head in silent question. Reggie must understand, because he gently pushes Alex toward the door and hands him his backpack. Alex can’t even speak. “Just don’t say I never did anything for you, okay?” 

So Alex leaves, his thoughts hyper focused on how _weird_ Reggie was acting. Not that Reggie wouldn’t offer this out of the goodness of his heart, because he would, but it’s not like Reggie has really bothered to get to know Jack at all. It just seems odd to him that Jack or Reggie would seek each other out, even if they saw each other in public. It just doesn’t make sense. 

Suddenly, Jack is in front of his face. He yelps, and Jack laughs. “Jesus, you scared the _shit_ out of me!” Alex laughs with him, though, and Jack kisses him square on the lips. A flush spreads across Alex’s neck, and he grins, shy, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “Hi.” He’s a little mad at himself for melting so quickly, but Jack’s smile makes it easy. It’s a conversation to have later, maybe.

“Hey.” Jack links their hands together, and Alex’s heartbeat quickens. “Nice of Reggie to switch shifts with you, huh?”

Alex smiles, big and bright at that, and Jack’s falters a little. Alex barely notices, though; any chance to talk about Reggie will get him going. “No, yeah, Reggie’s the _best._ He had a radio show tonight but he did this for me which is so nice of him, because he knew I’d been busy.” Alex stops himself, shaking his head. “I mean. There’s a reason he’s my best friend, you know?” 

Jack hums, pulling him along, and Alex watches him; he can get the appeal, now, after a month and a half of dating. “Yeah, he sounds great. So.” He stops in front of his car. “I’m kind of broke, but noodles for dinner?” Alex smiles even bigger at that. 

(So, yeah. Maybe Reggie is the best, but right now, Jack is taking him to the thai noodle place off campus, which is _way_ better than whatever dinner Reggie would have brought him, so maybe, just maybe, he can let it go for a minute.)

If Alex comes home late, blushy and smiling and a hickey on his neck when Reggie’s already asleep, well; no one has to know but him and Jack.

— 

Of course, after a month and a half, the first person to openly voice an objection to Alex’s boyfriend is Luke.

(He thought it’d be Reggie, but Reggie and Jack, for all their strain, seem okay. Alex will take it.)

“So. Who’s this guy, and why’s he more important than bro night?” Luke asks, pout practically overtaking his face. Reggie snorts.

“Luke, stop calling it bro night, for the love of _god_ ,” Reggie pleads. Luke licks his finger and moves to stick it in Reggie’s ear, but Reggie yelps, jumping away as fast as he can.

“First of all, I _never_ pouted when _you_ cancelled ‘bro night’ for Julie.” Alex adds air quotes, rolling his eyes. He pulls on his shirt nervously; Reggie reaches for him to still his hand, and smooths out a wrinkle. Alex sends him a grateful smile. “Second, I told you a million times, and you’ve even met him. His name is Jack, and we’re going to see a movie.”

“But did you _tell_ him it was bro night?” Luke looks up at him, eyes pleading. 

Julie comes in, then, bowl of popcorn in hand. “Does it count as bro night if I’m here?” she wonders, and Luke elbows her. She frowns, snatching the bowl away from him.

“You’re totally my bro, Jules,” Reggie says, so sincere Alex could throw up from it. Julie looks incredibly touched, placing a hand over her heart and handing Reggie the bowl.

Alex huffs. “I’m _leaving_.” He shoves his feet in his shoes, checking his hair for the millionth time in the mirror by the door. Reggie calls out something along the lines of ‘you look hot,’ and Alex’s face feels hot. He throws up a middle finger at the general direction of the couch, and Luke blows a kiss in his direction. Alex rolls his eyes. “Honestly, I’ll be back before you know it, I bet.” And before Luke can whine in his face any more, he slips out the door.

With the sun lower on the horizon, the air is cooler, and suddenly his ripped denim jacket doesn’t feel like enough. He tugs it around him, a little self-conscious, when a car pulls up to the curb. “Hey, loser,” Jack says, and Alex laughs, loud and bright. “Get in. We’re going to the movies.”

Jack picked, and it’s some action flick that Alex couldn’t care less about, but he’ll try just about anything for the sake of this interesting little relationship he’s in, now, so he sits, bucket of popcorn in hand, and ignores the buzzing of his phone. Jack leans over to him and says something, but all Alex can notice is the faint smell of cologne, and he gulps. “Sorry, what?” he says, and Jack rolls his eyes.

“I said, you look really nice.” It’s faint, and punctuated by him stealing a handful of popcorn, but Alex feels his face flush again nonetheless. If it was any lighter in the theater, Jack would be laughing at how easily he made Alex blush. (Alex is only a little grateful that it’s dark.) Jack leans away then to look at his phone, and Alex pulls his out to a text from Luke.

 **Luke** , 6:43 pm  
_tell jacky boy to have you home by 10:30 or ELSE_ _  
_ _wanna play smash bros with ALL my bros_

Alex rolls his eyes, considering he has never played Smash Bros during a “bro night” or whatever Luke is calling them now that they’re not roommates anymore, and tells himself he’ll respond later. For now, he’s in a movie theater, sharing popcorn with a cute boy, and loving every second of it.

(Alex got lucky that, growing up, he was exposed to a lot of media that involved gay people and that he knew it was something his parents would be okay with. Kind of. It took them a minute, reeling from the shock that he _wouldn’t_ be marrying Heather Knell by age 24, but once they accepted it, they were fully on board. His dad even flies a pride flag outside the house during June. Alex knows he is _lucky_. But he’d never had the first date experience some people did. He and Willie snuck around a lot, in Willie’s backyard or with Alex using Reggie as a cover. But both he and Willie knew that Alex was hung up on someone else, and it had fizzled after a year of covert backyard dates and secret kisses in the locker room before swim practice. 

So sitting here, with a cute boy, sharing distinctly not covert kisses, holding hands, being at a movie with him? It feels a little like waking up.)

Jack leans back over, grabbing another handful of popcorn. “Your friends seem nice. It was good to meet them, the other night at your show.”

Alex smiles to himself. He’d been so nervous for Jack to meet Luke and Julie; Reggie didn’t count, because Reggie’s _Reggie_ and they’d met already, and Alex knew that for some reason Reggie and Jack didn’t quite get along as well as he’d like. (Reggie’s never been mean about it, though, so Alex thinks maybe it’s just something that takes getting used to.) Luke and Julie seemed to like Jack, though, and he’s glad to know that Jack feels the same.

“You’ve _met_ Reggie a million times.” Alex throws a piece of popcorn in his mouth and ignores Jack rolling his eyes. “But you like Luke and Julie? That’s good. I mean. They’re my _band_ , you know?”

“Yeah.” Jack shrugs, leaning back in his seat. “They seem great.” He fiddles with his watch, then, and Alex furrows his brows. “Reggie’s a little protective.”

Alex frowns. “That’s just Reggie. I mean—” He cuts himself off, unsure of how to proceed. Reggie’s not uncomfortable with sharing anything from his past, but it’s one thing for Reggie to tell someone about it and another for _Alex_ to do it. But it’s not like Alex is going to tell a secret, here. “Reggie lives with me? When we go home for breaks, I mean. And he has since we were 18, and I think, you know, he just feels protective over me. Brotherly, you know?” _Brotherly. Jesus._

Jack hums. He opens his water bottle, taking a sip. He hums again. “He’s nice.” There’s a long pause, and Alex tilts his head. Jack takes a deep breath. “He just seems like a friend you never really shook.”

It’s harmless, probably; the comment doesn’t even really _mean_ anything of substance, but it rankles Alex nonetheless. “A friend I never _shook_?” Alex doesn’t bother hiding the disgust in his voice, and Jack looks up, surprised. “He’s literally my family. What the fuck?”

The comment stings more than any comment about him would have; if Jack had said Alex’s hair looked stupid, Alex might not have cared. But talking about Reggie like that feels gross and wrong. Jack is leaning over, though, bright brown eyes boring into his. Alex gives him an unimpressed look. “I’m sorry,” Jack says, and Alex continues his stale face. Jack pouts.

“No,” Alex says back. Jack frowns. “I don’t accept it.”

“No, hey, look at me.” His voice is soft and inviting, and when Alex looks up, his eyes are shining and sincere, and Alex twists his mouth in displeasure. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He leans in to cup Alex’s cheek and kiss him, and when he pulls away, Alex has almost forgotten. “He treats you well. That’s what matters.”

Alex flushes a little at how upset he’d gotten, but he shakes it off. “Nah, thank you for the apology,” he says, and Jack tilts his head. Alex frowns. “Um, it’s chill. But I think we missed part of the movie?” When Jack looks up, it’s clear they have, and he frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, that’s on me.” Jack leans back in his seat, lacing his fingers with Alex’s, though it’s obvious he’s disappointed. Alex feels his stomach twist. “D’you wanna just go? We can go back to mine…?” It’s an invitation that, considering the night, Alex shouldn’t accept; Luke’s text weighs his phone down like lead, and Jack’s weird comment about Reggie isn’t sitting right. But when he checks the time, it’s only a little past eight, so Alex says yes.

Later, Jack drops him off, smiling and happy, and it’s only 10:32, so Luke can’t even be mad, but when he walks in the door, Luke and Julie are gone, and Reggie’s sitting on the couch, reading a book. Alex blinks, clearing his throat, and Reggie looks up.

“Oh, hey!” He scrambles to sit up, patting the space next to him on the couch. “How was your date?”

Alex swallows. “Um, fine. Where’s…?” He gestures to the apartment, and Reggie nods.

“Ah, yeah. Uh, Julie got the job? At Luke’s internship place. And we were all really excited and then they were more excited and I was like okay guys just go, you know?” Reggie shrugs it off, but Alex can see the hurt on his face, and his heart hurts. He grabs Reggie’s hand, and Reggie smiles gratefully. “So they left, and I was thinking I could get some stuff done for class on Monday, and maybe a few job applications, and I did. But you’re home now, so that’s more fun.” Reggie shrugs again, but his smile seems less forced. Alex will take it, for now. “So. Date?” 

Alex’s brain short-circuits at that, and when he comes back, Reggie is snapping his fingers in front of Alex’s eyes. He blinks, and Reggie speaks, but Alex doesn’t hear a single thing; all he can see are Reggie’s sparkling blue eyes, full of concern. He coughs, and Reggie jerks back. “Sorry, sorry, Reg. I zoned out.”

Reggie laughs a little. “It was that bad?”

Alex shakes his head, a little self-deprecating laugh escaping. “No, no. It was nice. I think I like him.”

Reggie’s face goes through a whole host of emotions, many of which Alex can’t parse out, but Reggie lands on happiness. “That’s really good, Alex. I’m really happy for you.” The sincerity is dripping from the words, and Alex would love it if he couldn’t shake the feeling that Reggie wasn’t telling the whole truth.

He goes to bed eventually, after watching three episodes of some weird HGTV show with Reggie, and when he checks his email, it tells him he should be hearing back soon about the school’s decision. He swallows the bile rising up in his throat, takes a deep breath, and throws his phone to the other side of the bed, willing himself not to think about it.

He fails.

(It’s just that Alex should have told him before he sent the tape in. Reggie told him immediately that he was taking a year off school, and when Alex said he didn’t know what he was going to do, Reggie had reassured Alex that he’d always have Alex’s back. And Alex is sitting here, paralyzed with anxiety over saying seven little words.

“I applied to school in New York.”

He practices saying it to himself; in the mirror, in his car on his way to teach drum lessons, when he’s making dinner and Reggie has office hours so he’s not home yet. But every time he sees Reggie, the words fly away, and Reggie talks about feeling unprepared about his next steps, and Alex doesn’t even know if he wants to move to New York, yet. Alex definitely doesn’t want to do it if Reggie’s not there. And Reggie’s just as confused about post-graduate plans as most other seniors are, and he’s stressing and Alex...

Alex applied to school in New York. He just can’t tell Reggie yet.)

—

It’s only a few days later; Alex is sitting on a couch, in his glasses, reading through something for his music history elective, texting Carrie on and off, when Reggie comes home, slamming the door shut. “Reg?” Alex calls out, turning to look. Reggie’s toeing off his shoes, and anger is radiating from him in spades. Fuck his homework, he thinks, and he stands, making his way toward Reggie slowly. “Hey, Reg. What’s up?”

The closer he gets, the more he can see Reggie shaking, involuntarily shivering as he tugs his jacket off, albeit unsuccessfully. Alex frowns. “Fuck,” Reggie exhales, breaths uneven, just as Alex reaches him. Reggie tugs at the jacket harder; when it doesn’t budge, he grunts in anger.

“Hey, hey, quit it,” Alex scolds; it’s gentle, though, and when Reggie looks up at him, Alex can see red-rimmed eyes and a bloody lip from where Reggie had been chewing on it. Alex feels his pulse rise, but he stomps that anger way down, grabbing at Reggie’s jacket. “Come _on_ , Reg, let me help. I got it, okay?” He pulls it off, and then Reggie’s in just a t-shirt, still shaking, and Alex holds his hand out. “Wanna read for music history with me?”

“Fuck no,” Reggie says, but he follows Alex to the couch, curling into his side. Alex swallows roughly, putting his arm around Reggie and pulling him close. “How far did you get?”

“Not very.” Alex opens the book, but Reggie closes it. “What?”

Reggie shakes his head, burying his face in Alex’s shoulder. It’s weird, Alex thinks; usually, Reggie is only this closed off if something happens with his parents, and Reggie hasn’t spoken to his parents since he graduated high school, so this behavior feels wrong. Reggie speaks, but it’s muffled by Alex’s sweatshirt.

“What’s that, Reg?” 

“Tonight sucked.” His voice cracks, and he moves his head to Alex’s shoulder, and he curls further around Alex. Alex feels helpless. “I wish you would’ve come.”

Alex frowns, and just as he moves to fully wrap his arms around Reggie, his phone buzzes. He and Reggie both freeze. When he finally finds his phone, it’s Jack, calling him. He blinks. “Um.”

“You should answer.” Reggie sounds _dejected_ , the way he did when his parents forgot his birthday two years in a row, or when his pet hamster died, and Alex frowns harder. “It’s Jack. He was out tonight; I saw him. He could be—”

“I’m really more worried about you, Reg,” Alex says softly, and the buzzing stops. It’s silent for a moment, only for it to start again. Alex rolls his eyes. “Jesus.”

“He might need you.” Reggie stands up, brushing Alex off, and Alex feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart. Reggie doesn’t look back at him. “You should answer. I’m getting water.”

Alex stares after him for a moment, blinking out of it just in time to slide to answer. “Jack?”

“Aleeex,” he slurs, and Alex winces at the volume. “Thought you were coming out tonight!”

Alex blinks, head jerking back in surprise, as if Jack can see him. “Uh, no? I don’t remember saying I was.”

“That’s what Reggie said.” Jack sounds shaky, unstable. It makes Alex think of the time his and Reggie’s old friend Bobby had gotten a little too drunk and a little too high and went a little too hard on a guy who tried to fuck around with some girl who clearly didn’t want it. Alex remembers Reggie couldn’t be around Bobby for _weeks_ after that without shaking, even if Bobby’s actions had been noble. “He told some girl… I don’t remember. She looked mad.”

Alex furrows his brows. “He told a girl I was coming out?”

“Of the closet?” Jack giggles, and Alex snorts, rolling his eyes. “Nah, nah, he said you were gonna, and that he was waiting for you, and then I told her to get lost because I saw it all happen, and I was all, ‘oh I didn’t think Alex was coming tonight,’ and Reggie was like ‘he’s not’ and then I asked him why he was lying and he left.” Jack finishes his ramble with a hiccup, and Alex blinks.

“You saw something happen?” Alex asks, and then there’s a crash in the kitchen, and Reggie’s swearing, and Alex jumps. “Shit, Reggie—”

“He didn’t look so good when I saw him leave,” Jack says, and Alex’s stomach drops. “Didn’t know if he’d make it home.”

“And you only thought to call me now?” Alex snaps, which makes Jack laugh. “That’s not funny.”

“It’s kinda funny, you’re so worried when he’s clearly fine—”

“Jack, I gotta go. Text me when you get home.” Alex hangs up unceremoniously, throwing his phone on the cushion and going to the kitchen. There’s shards of a ceramic mug scattered on the floor, and Reggie’s breathing is erratic as he tries to clean it up. “Hey, hey, Reg. I got it, okay? Don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry, Alex,” he says, and Alex shakes his head. “It was the one from Claire, that she made before you left? I just knocked it down on accident and I’m so sorry—”

“Reg, hey. It’s fine.” Alex smiles, reaching slowly for him. Reggie’s expression breaks Alex’s heart, but he keeps his smile on, eyes soft. “I’ll fix it, okay? I’ll clean it up. You just go relax.”

“No, I need… I need to help, I need—”

“ _Reginald_.” It’s soft but firm, and when Reggie looks up, his eyes are shiny. Alex feels a million things at once; he’d like to kill Reggie’s parents, and also cry, because Reggie, sweet, lovely, incredible Reggie, never deserves to feel like this. Alex takes a deep breath. “It’s okay. I’m not upset. I’ll clean it real quick and then we can turn something mindless on, okay?”

“Alex,” Reggie mumbles, and then he pitches forward into Alex’s chest, wrapping his arms around Alex’s waist. Alex catches him easily, falling back only a little to lean against the cabinet. He pulls him close, holding him tightly, not bothering to fix his glasses that went askew when Reggie fell into him. He takes ragged, shallow breath after ragged, shallow breath, and Alex holds him tighter. “Alex, I—”

“I got you, Reg. I got you.” Alex squeezes him tighter, trying to fix his glasses. “It’s okay.”

“She kept trying to get me to leave with her,” Reggie says quietly, voice hoarse from the tears. Alex freezes minutely, and Reggie immediately stops. Alex relaxes, then, and Reggie exhales. “Girls always do this. It’s like they think because I’m a little flirty…” Reggie trails off, and Alex... well. 

Alex sees red.

“Girls _always_ do this?” he murmurs, stroking Reggie’s hair. He tries to sound even and calm and collected, even if his blood is boiling. “Since when?”

Reggie huffs, but his breathing is slowing, which is good. “Since _forever_. I don’t know. High school? Beginning of college? I’m not always looking to hook up, you know.” Reggie fidgets a little in Alex’s arms, but Alex squeezes him gently, and Reggie relaxes again. “I know you know that. She just… she yelled at me? When I said I didn’t want to leave. And I told her I was waiting for you, in the hopes that she’d leave me alone, but then Jack came and—” Reggie shudders, and Alex feels bile rising in his throat.

“Did Jack do something?” he asks timidly. Reggie shakes his head so hard Alex thinks his brain might fall out. “Reg, it’s okay.”

“He _didn’t_.” Reggie shakes his head. “The girl just yelled and Jack tried to get her to leave and then I ran home. I don’t really remember a lot.”

“Reggie.”

“I mean it, okay?” Reggie exhales, leaning his head back against Alex’s bicep. “It was just a weird situation. He was drunk, too. Is he okay?”

And Alex has no doubt that Reggie means this. Reggie is the most sincere, earnest person on the planet. (Well, maybe besides Luke.) What sucks is that Alex can see it; he can tell Reggie’s lying to him. But he’s said so many things that Alex can’t tell which part is a lie and which part isn’t, and Reggie’s in no state to tell him right now. And something feels _wrong_ in Alex’s gut, but Reggie’s standing and grabbing a broom and Alex shakes his head. “I got it, Reg. Really.”

So Alex cleans up and Reggie watches, sipping on a glass of water periodically while he listens to Alex tell him about the reading and the assignments and the weird show he was watching on the History Channel. Alex keeps talking, so much that he could give Reggie a run for his money, he thinks, but Reggie seems to enjoy it, so Alex keeps talking.

When he’s done, he looks up to see Reggie leaning on his hand, looking at him, expression guarded. It’s a look Alex has never seen in their 16 years of friendship. This feels entirely new. Alex blinks, thinking it’ll break whatever spell Reggie’s under; it doesn’t. “What is it?”

Reggie shakes his head. “I don’t deserve you.”

Alex frowns. “No, the world doesn’t deserve _you_.” It’s dangerously close to having his feelings vomit everywhere, but Reggie blinks, a small blush on his cheeks. Alex swallows the lump in his throat. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

“I know.” Reggie nods slowly. “I love you.”

Alex swallows again. “I love you, too, man.”

It’s a pathetically couched, even for him.

—

His cursor blinks at him, threateningly. _You have been accepted..._ He inhales sharply, minimizing the browser. He got in. He got into the grad program in New York. 

He’d thought it was a long shot, when he sent in the audition tape, when he’d sent in the compositions he’d worked on over the summer and the past few years. He didn’t think… he _really_ didn’t think when he auditioned that he’d get in. Not this early, at least. It’s only October, but this program is everything he’s wanted since he was 10, and he can’t believe… _“You have been accepted.”_ He’s been accepted.

He has to tell Reggie.

It’s just. You know, the usual. Reggie doesn’t know what he’s doing next year, and Reggie’s never expressed a desire to leave LA. Which is fine, really. Alex would never begrudge whatever keeps Reggie happy, because all Reggie has ever deserved is happiness. 

But Alex can’t remember a time he and Reggie haven’t done something together. Alex remembers when he found out they weren’t in the same class in third grade and Reggie cried so hard he threw up. (Alex still makes fun of him for it. Lovingly.) Alex remembers when they decided to take AP Music Theory so they could suffer together. Alex remembers the way they try to sync their schedules when they register. Alex can’t remember a time Reggie hasn’t been at his side, and the thought of Reggie _not_ being there makes him feel vaguely ill. Reggie still deserves to know.

But Reggie shows up to their little table in the student center with two coffees, and knocks their shoulders together, smiles big and bright, and the words die right in Alex’s throat, no longer threatening to claw their way out. “Today should be good,” Reggie mumbles, pulling his laptop out and pressing against Alex’s side, and Alex can’t tell him. Reggie looks happy and Alex can’t do it and he feels miserable about it. 

“It should be,” he forces out, and when Reggie beams, that’s decided for him. He won’t do it.

Not today.

“Hey, Mercer!” someone yells, and both Alex and Reggie look up from their computers. “Jack’s looking for you, give him the time of day at some point, would ya?” It’s one of Jack’s frat brothers, and Alex isn’t prone to turning red from embarrassment, but he feels his face flush anyway. 

Reggie furrows his brows, nose wrinkled. “Have you been avoiding him?” he asks, and Alex shakes his head. “That’s weird.”

“That’s just how his friends are,” Alex says, running his fingers through his hair, tugging at the strands to the point that he pulls a few out. “Ugh.”

“Dude.” Reggie pulls Alex’s hand out of his hair, placing it gently in front of them. “Are you really stressed or something?”

“Or something,” Alex mutters. Reggie frowns, but Alex waves him off, opting to put his head in his hands. He feels Reggie’s hand on his back, his sweet voice telling him that whatever it is, it’ll be fine, and Alex wants to say it. _Reggie, I got into the school in New York._

The thing is that Reggie will know, if Alex says it, which school Alex got into, because Alex had applied there for undergrad and gotten rejected. Reggie had watched him fall apart completely, and he’d picked up the pieces and tried to put them back together, and it was the one and only time Alex had really _let_ him. It was also the first time in Alex’s life that he’d thought about moving away from California, from Reggie. He knew Reggie wouldn’t go to New York; his parents _refused_ to pay anything college related for him, and Reggie needed the in-state tuition, and Alex had gotten into UCLA too, so he thought, well, maybe our paths aren’t meant to diverge yet.

But this school was his _dream_. And Claire always told him it was stupid to give up a dream for a boy. 

“Alex, baby,” he hears, and Reggie’s moving away from him. Alex whines, and he hears the disembodied voice again. “Al—”

His head whips up, and he stares at Jack, who’s giving him a concerned look. Reggie has moved further away, and he looks a bit put out. “Al?” Alex repeats, and Jack laughs a little. 

“Hi. I thought something was really wrong for a second.” The comment hurts a little, and Reggie flinches, but Alex shoots him a quick look, and Reggie deflates. “Are you okay? You’ve been ignoring me.” Jack touches Alex’s chin lightly and turns his face.

Alex swallows. He chances another look at Reggie, but Reggie is on his phone, absolutely not looking at him, and Alex turns back to Jack. “I’m fine.” His smile is tight, but Jack seems to buy it. “I’m just busy.”

“Too busy for me?” His tone is light, but his eyes betray how frustrated he is. Reggie clears his throat, and Jack whips his head around. “What?”

“We have music theory essays due on Thursday.” Reggie sounds cold and detached, and when Alex faces him, he’s not looking Jack in the eye, but his face is hard. “So he is actually _really busy_.” Reggie runs a hand through his hair, sending Jack a small smile that’s anything but happy. “I’m sure you get it.”

Jack laughs, and Reggie smiles, and anyone far away would think they’re just two friends laughing over something, but the vibes are _off_. The uncomfortable air surrounds the table like a thick fog, curling around Alex’s chest tightly. Jack leans on his hand, looking directly at Reggie. The fog curls more, and Alex coughs. “Reggie,” Jack says, and then he narrows his eyes. “Can I call you Reginald?”

“No.” Reggie blinks, looking Jack in the eye. “Just Reggie. And we’re busy.”

“Alex.” Jack pouts, and Alex looks at him, giving him a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I miss you.”

“I know I’ve been busy,” Alex placates, and Jack frowns. “But I’m not making things up. I’m sorry.” Alex bites his lip, and he looks at Reggie, who’s still looking at Jack with that same detached expression. Alex sighs. “Look. This Saturday, there’s a, uh. A percussion section get-together. Maybe you could... be my date to it?”

Jack smiles, bright and happy, and Reggie stands up, grabbing his and Alex’s cups. “More coffee,” he mutters, but before Alex can ask, Jack is throwing his arms around Alex’s neck, kissing him square on the lips. 

“I’d love to!” he exclaims, and he presses a kiss to Alex’s cheek, and then brings a hand up to stroke it. It’s only then, when Alex catches Reggie talking to some person they both know from choir, avoiding the table at all costs, that he remembers the weirdness from the past weekend with Jack. Jack, who was drunk, and Reggie, who looked haunted, and some girl who’d tried something, and Reggie had come out of it flinching around Jack. Jack kisses Alex’s temple, then and Alex pushes him away, just a little, to look at his face. He looks sincere enough. He wouldn’t _lie_ to Alex. 

“Hey, Jack.” Alex catches his attention. Jack tilts his head. “About last Friday...” He trails off, hoping Jack will tell him without him having to ask. He doesn’t. 

“Oh, you mean when you hung up on me?” Jack’s mouth is turned up in amusement, but his eyes hold no mirth. Alex swallows. “Reggie was home, wasn’t he?”

“He was.” Alex bites his lip. “Um. He said something about... yelling? And he was really upset. And I just wondered...” He gives Jack a look, but Jack remains confused. Alex cuts himself off. “Okay. I just wanted to know if something _happened_. I don’t know.”

“We were both drunk, Al,” Jack says, and Alex wrinkles his nose at the nickname. “Nothing happened.” His tone leaves no room for argument, but Alex opens his mouth to try anyway. Reggie sits back down, wordlessly sliding the coffee toward Alex, and Jack stands up. “I’ll see you later, babe.”

The whole thing leaves Alex shaken, and Reggie slides back into the chair next to him. “You okay?” he asks. “That didn’t look like it helped at all.”

Alex shrugs. “‘m fine, Reg. Don’t worry.” Reggie presses his cheek to the top of Alex’s head, and then lets him go, going back to his paper. And Alex is more certain than ever that he needs to break up with Jack.

And also he needs to tell Reggie about New York. One step at a time, though.

—

By the time Saturday rolls around, Alex’s anxiety is through the fucking roof.

All day, something has been off. He can feel it. He just _knows_ that anything he does today will be bad or awful or he’ll get rejected in some weird way and something is _off_. Julie tells him it’s just his anxiety acting up, and she’ll bring him lunch, and Luke tells him it’s just the fact that he sent in an audition tape last week, and before Reggie leaves for work he tells Alex it’ll be okay and he’ll bring home tacos for dinner before Alex has to leave and they can try and forget all about it. But still, something feels off.

So he’s not surprised when Jack says he can’t make the music department mixer that he said he’d love to go to. “I forgot I had a meeting with my frat,” he says, and he sounds positively mournful. Alex can’t stop the spread of disappointment in his chest, though. “I wish I could be there! I’m sorry.”

Alex sighs, rolling his neck. “No, it’s okay. I... don’t worry. You didn’t need to come.” Alex flops face first onto the couch. “It’ll be okay.”

“Alright. I gotta go, Al.” Alex cringes at the nickname again. He should really bring that up. “I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch.” The line goes dead, and Alex rolls over, facing the ceiling. The door to the apartment opens, and Alex groans. 

“If you’re a murderer, take me now.”

“Hello, sunshine,” Reggie says back to him, tone teasing. Alex’s stomach flutters anyway.

“Hi,” Alex says back dejectedly. Reggie’s head appears over his, frown evident. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Reggie blinks. “Like what?”

“Like… that.” Alex waves his hand in Reggie’s face, and Reggie snorts. “Like you’re pitying me.” 

“I have never pitied you, Alexander Mercer.” Reggie rolls his eyes, then and jumps over the back of the couch and squeezes in behind Alex. “So. What’s wrong?”

“Jack can’t come to the percussion professor student mixer thing tonight.” Alex sighs, throwing his hand over his eyes. “I knew he would flake because he tends to dip out right before important things, so I don’t even know why I’m upset.”

Reggie hums; Alex can feel the vibrations against his arm where Reggie’s throat is. He is resolutely _not_ thinking about it. “I think you’re allowed to be upset.”

“I _know_ I’m allowed to be upset,” Alex snaps, but there’s no heat behind it, and if Reggie is hurt, it doesn’t show. Alex deflates anyway, and Reggie hooks his chin on Alex’s chest. If Alex looks up, he can see the small scar on Reggie’s cheek from where he poorly popped a pimple in seventh grade and all the little freckles dotting his nose and Alex might be upset about his boyfriend flaking on him but he really, _really_ wants to kiss Reggie right now. He has _got_ to get over that.

(Also, he should break up with Jack. Different problem for a different day.)

“Are you done pouting?” Reggie asks, and Alex rolls his eyes.

“Yes, mom.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” 

That makes Alex freeze. The reason he’s so upset about this isn’t just because Jack isn’t coming, and he knows Reggie knows this; the music department mixer is a cool way of seeing your classmates outside of ensembles or class and the professors are there and it’s a great deal of fun. Usually, when it’s just the percussionists, people bring their partners. Alex has gone alone for the past three years, each semester, and though he doesn’t _think_ anyone’s judged him for it, he was excited to show that he’d kind of gotten his shit together and gotten over himself. 

“I… are you sure?” he asks, sounding small. He cringes at himself, but when he looks up, Reggie’s eyes are warm and kind and his expression is soft. Reggie reaches up, brushing a strand of hair out of Alex’s face. 

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to, Alex.” Reggie’s chin juts further into his chest, but Alex isn’t going to complain. “Come on. Let’s eat the tacos and get ready. We’ll have a fucking _blast_ , dude.” And how can Alex say no to that?

Reggie’s right; they _do_ have a fucking blast. It’s a little fancy and a lot of fun and a great deal better with Reggie by his side. He’s got friends in the percussion section, but it’s more fun when someone he knows super well is there. Reggie gets all his little jokes, he lets Alex give him some of the wine that’s offered for the older students, he responds in all the right ways. Alex lets himself relax for the first time all semester.

“Oh, Alex!” His percussion professor, Dr. Cheng, sidles up to him. She smiles warmly at him. “Is this the boyfriend? I’ve had you in a class before, Reggie.” She laughs, loud and bright, and Alex’s face heats up. _Of course,_ he thinks. _Of course she’d remember I’d said I was bringing Jack._

“Oh!” Reggie smiles. “Yes, that’s me. Hi, Dr. Cheng. It’s good to see you again.” And Alex is so lucky that he hadn’t taken a sip of his wine because he almost did a spit-take all over Dr. Cheng’s really nice blouse. “I didn’t realize Alex had brought this up.”

“Well, of course! He mentioned it offhand, but I didn’t know _you_ were the boyfriend.” It’s the way she emphasizes it; the subtle suggestion in her tone that says she knows Reggie because she knows Alex; he’s heard it all before. If Reggie responds, Alex can’t hear it; he’s too busy lost in thought.

The thing about school is that if someone knows Alex, then they know Reggie, or the other way around. Alex has met people who know Reggie and when he says he’s “Alex, Reggie’s friend?” everyone’s eyes widen, and they get a small smile on their face, nodding along. There’s always a suggestion in their tone; Alex is never to be found without Reggie. They’re a drummer and a bassist, two backbones of rhythm, the section a band wouldn’t be complete without. There’s a bond that others won’t understand between them, and that’s _not_ just because they’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

Alex knows he’s obvious, what with Luke getting it without Alex saying a word and the amount of looks Alex’s parents have given him whenever Reggie does anything. He just hoped that he’d hid it better, that he could get over this.

(He _really_ needs to break up with Jack.)

“It was nice to see you out and about, Alex!” Dr. Cheng says, breaking him from his stupor. Alex smiles, shaking his head, and Dr. Cheng smiles at Reggie. “Wonderful to see you, again, too.” 

And as she walks away, suddenly, Alex is stricken with fear, and he turns to Reggie, claiming he’ll be right back. “Dr. Cheng!” he calls out, a bit breathless as he catches up to her. She turns, eyeing him quizzically. “You didn’t, I don’t know, happen to mention New York, did you?”

She blinks. “I didn’t.” She tilts her head, sizing him up. “You haven’t told him.”

Alex shakes his head. “No.”

She nods, slowly, bringing her cup to her lips. “You should, Alexander. He loves you, that much is clear.” Alex coughs a little, and she smiles. “You don’t have to do it now.”

“Thanks, Dr. Cheng. For, uh. For not bringing it up.” He looks at the ground, sheepish. “I appreciate it.”

“Tell him soon,” is all she says before she walks away, and Alex feels Reggie come up behind him, touching his back lightly. 

“Hey, you okay?” he asks, and Alex nods, swallowing a lump in his throat. “Alex, hey.”

Alex turns to him, then, suddenly exhausted. “Wanna get out of here? I kind of want chicken nuggets.”

Reggie smiles. “I thought you’d never ask.”

He ends up on their couch, eating chicken nuggets, curled up in sweats while they watch _The Office_ for the billionth time. Alex thinks maybe this is the time to say it. _I got into school in New York._ He mouths it to himself while the office learns CPR. _I got into school in New York._ If he thinks it hard enough, maybe Reggie will hear him.

“Are you saying something?” Reggie asks, distracted by something on his phone. Alex blinks, but Reggie doesn’t seem phased. “Or am I hearing things?”

“Definitely hearing things,” Alex says slowly. Reggie looks up, eyes narrowed. “I’ve been trying to tell you for years that you’ve been hearing things, but my parents didn’t want to believe it—” He’s hit in the face with a throw pillow. “Hey!”

“You’re the worst,” Reggie says, but he’s smiling. Alex smiles back, purely uninhibited, and a light pink flush grows across Reggie’s nose. Alex smiles bigger. “You’re okay though, right? We left the mixer pretty abruptly.”

And Alex could say it right now. He could just bite the words out. _I got into school in New York. I’m thinking about moving there._ “I…” He sighs. “I’m okay, Reg.” He nudges Reggie’s thigh with his foot. “Thanks for being my date tonight.”

“Hey, of course!” Reggie exclaims, pinching Alex’s ankle. “Wouldn’t want another date. You know we go well together.”

Alex feels warm and like his face is on fire but. He thinks he holds it together well enough. “We do. I couldn’t do this without you, Reg.”

Reggie beams, and Alex is going to die. Because no matter how hard he tries, Reggie’s always going to be _it_ for him, and Alex can’t string Jack along like this.

But then Reggie’s talking about some girl in his musicology class, and Alex comes down from that momentary high off Reggie’s smile and he’s _so_ fucked.

—

Luke’s biting his nails.

It’s not unusual; Alex has seen Luke in all sorts of nervous states, but there’s no reason for this to be happening right _now_ while they do their homework. Alex brushes it off, going back to his music history essay.

And then Luke’s jiggling his leg up and down. 

Alex shoots him a look, and Luke sends him a sheepish one back, pressing his leg into the ground with his left hand. Alex furrows his brows, and Luke looks at him again, then back at the ground. Alex turns back to his essay.

Luke starts tapping the drum rhythm to _Now or Never_ , and Alex smacks the library table. “Jesus,” Luke hisses, and Alex rolls his eyes. “What?”

“Don’t ask _me_ that.” Alex shuts his computer. “What crawled up your ass?”

“Nothing.” 

Alex blinks. Luke said it too fast for him to think something _really_ wasn’t up, but he looks normal, now, so Alex ignores it as best he can. As he flips through one of his sources, though, Luke starts tapping on the table again. Alex shuts his laptop, and Luke jumps. “What, Luke?”

“It’s just...” Luke’s eyes dart around, as if he’s looking for someone. “Isn’t Jack coming to pick you up soon?”

Alex looks off to where Luke was looking; it’s just some girl, looking through the book stacks. “No, I cancelled on him.” Luke’s eyes widen, and Alex rolls his eyes. “Look, I know. But you said you needed help with your math homework, and I wasn’t just gonna leave you stranded.”

“I think he hates Reggie,” Luke blurts out, and then he slaps a hand over his mouth. Alex raises an eyebrow. Luke shakes his head. Alex nods. “It’s not like he’s told me anything.”

“Okay?” It’s not like Alex doesn’t believe him. He _does_. Luke is Alex’s best friend; he wouldn’t bring this up for no reason. And it’s not like things between Reggie and Jack aren’t _weird_. Jack certainly has had a weird air toward him since they’d met. But hate? How could anyone _hate_ Reggie? It’s like hating a puppy. Luke, of course, looks so upset, and Alex sighs. “Luke.”

Luke bursts. “Okay. Okay! Like, the other day, right? We’re all sitting in the cafeteria, and by we I mean me, Reg, and Julie, and Jack, I shit you not, only said hi to me and Julie. Weird, right?” Luke’s hushed, like he doesn’t want anyone overhearing. Alex gets the sentiment, but he’s never _seen_ Jack in the library, so it’s not like he’d randomly show up. Luke glances around before continuing. “And Reggie was all, ‘hey man, how are you?’ and Jack looked a little murderous, and ignored him. I don’t know.” Luke bites at his thumbnail again, and Alex reaches across the table, pulling Luke’s hand out of his mouth gently. “I think it makes Reggie uncomfortable.” 

Luke looks and sounds so upset that Alex really _wishes_ he could ease Luke’s mind about this. So he tries. “Reggie would talk to me.” Alex hears himself sound confident, and he’s amazed, because he’s been thinking along this line for a month, now, and Luke is putting his fear into words. “Reggie would _tell_ me, Luke.”

“Reggie wants you to be happy,” Luke insists. “It clouds his judgment.”

“Reggie is an adult who can tell me if he has a problem,” Alex shoots back, but Luke’s concern has his chest feeling tight. “He knows he can tell me anything.” If he says it enough, maybe he’ll believe it.

“You know him!” Luke raises his voice slightly, and the girl in the stacks shoots him a look; he deflates, taking a deep breath. “You _know_ him, Alex. You know he’d set himself on fire to keep you warm.”

“Which book of poetry did you get that from?”

“Julie wrote it into a song, thank you,” Luke sniffs, and Alex snorts. They both dissolve into a fit of giggles, and the book stack girl huffs, moving away from them, which only serves to make them laugh more. Luke sobers first, pushing his hair back and out of his face. “I’m just worried about him.”

Alex frowns. “I know.” He rolls his neck, and opens his mouth to respond, but Luke shakes his head, instead shooting a slight smile to the person behind him. Alex turns around and there’s Jack, kissing the top of his head. “Jack?”

“I just wanted to see what you were up to when you get busy,” Jack says, and Alex feels himself bristle.

“Helping Luke with math didn’t make the cut?” Alex snaps, and Luke and Jack both startle; Alex feels the fight go out of him almost immediately. Everything with Jack feels forced lately, especially when his friends are involved. Alex doesn’t want to be mad, honestly. “You know what, forget it. I’m sorry.” He pulls Jack down for a real kiss, on the lips, and somehow he feels nothing. He pulls back, and Jack looks dazed. “But I really am helping Luke with his math homework.” 

“Boys, is it math time?” Reggie bounces in, sliding into the chair next to Luke. He’s rambunctious and smiling, but the air fades when he blinks up at Jack. He shoots him a nervous look, couched in a small grin. “Jack, hey. You staying?”

“I can’t, but thanks for the offer.” Jack smiles, then grabs Alex’s face, pulling him in for another kiss. It’s deeper than the last one, Jack’s tongue flicking over Alex’s bottom lip, and Alex pulls away just as Luke forcefully clears his throat. 

Alex pushes Jack back a little, flustered, and chokes out a laugh. “So. Um. I’ll see you later?” he says, eyes flicking toward the doorway where two of Jack’s frat brothers are standing around. Jack nods, walking out of there, fast, and Alex rolls his neck, smoothing his shirt down. When he looks up, Luke and Reggie are wearing identical expressions, and Alex throws a balled up piece of notebook paper at them. “Okay. Math time. Let’s go.”

Reggie snorts, and then Alex does, and Luke is trying valiantly to smother his giggles in his sweatshirt, but it doesn’t work. They’re falling all over themselves in laughter, helpless against whatever the hell that was, and Alex can barely catch his breath he’s laughing so hard. “Jesus,” Reggie says through a laugh. “His tongue was down your throat—”

“Stop!” Alex yelps, but he’s still laughing. “Reggie!”

“‘Thanks for the offer,’” Luke imitates, and Reggie places his head on the table, shoulders shaking with laughter. Alex shouldn’t encourage this, but any protest against it is half hearted anyway, and he keeps laughing with them as they try to calm down enough to do their work.

They can’t. 

No math homework gets done that night, but it’s been so long since he’s hung out with just them, and for once, everything feels normal again. And he can pretend that he’s not holding off on accepting a spot in New York, and instead they’re just young, stupid, and carefree, and that they won’t be graduating in serious debt with actual responsibility in life.

(It stays in the back of his mind anyway, stuck like glue.)

—

By all accounts, it’s supposed to be a good Thursday. He’s been avoiding Jack a bit (not that anyone would know, because if you ask, he’s definitely not), and he’s got nothing happening tonight. It’s Thursday, and Thursday is the best day of the week; one class, no extracurriculars, just free time galore. He and Reggie are going to do nothing tonight and love it.

Of course, that means he wakes up and Reggie is coughing up a lung.

“I’m fine,” Reggie claims, but his voice is hoarse and he looks positively miserable.

“Reg.” Alex moves to put his hand on Reggie’s forehead, and he doesn’t feel warm, but he looks clammy and sweaty, and that’s not ideal. But Reggie says he’s fine, just doesn’t feel great, and it’ll be fine, blah blah, so Alex leaves, worry in the back of his mind. 

He gets home, and immediately he’s overloaded with the smell of pizza. His mouth _waters_ . “Yo, oh my god, there’s _pizza_?!” he exclaims, but he stops short when he enters the kitchen and he sees Jack in there, not Reggie. He blinks, confused. “Jack?”

“Hey, Alex.” His smile is wide, and Alex smiles back, leaning in for a kiss like he hasn’t been avoiding the shit out of his boyfriend. When he pulls back, Jack is still smiling, and Alex feels nothing. (It probably doesn’t bode well for the night.) “I brought pizza. We just haven’t had a date in a while?” Jack looks nervous, like Alex is going to turn him down. That’s fair, considering he hasn’t said more than two sentences in person to Jack in about a week.

Alex sighs, a small smile on his lips. “That’s true.”

“And I missed you. So Reggie helped me set up—”

And that makes Alex pause. Because Alex _heard_ Reggie hacking up a lung this morning, and he’d given him the _maybe_ expired Robitussin they keep in their medicine cabinet and some Advil. And yeah, Reggie hadn’t had a fever, but he _did_ look like death warmed over, and had said he was going to “come back from class and sleep until Saturday.” So this is news to Alex. “ _Reggie_ helped you?” he asks, incredulous. Jack frowns, eyes narrow. The expression itself isn’t angry, but Alex feels uncomfortable, anyway. 

“Yeah, sure. He said he wanted you to have a nice night.” Jack hands him a paper plate with two slices of cheese pizza. He blows right past the Reggie thing. It’s par for the course for Jack, but Alex frowns anyway, because Reggie did _not_ look well this morning. _Maybe he’d gotten better during the day,_ his brain rationalizes. It doesn’t help, but he shakes his head. Jack swallows. “It’s not five-star dining or anything, but…” he shrugs, expression hopeful. And, really, how can Alex say no to pizza?

Jack turns the TV on, queues up Netflix, and they’re on the couch, eating pizza, laughing at mindless television and each other, and Alex almost forgets why he’d been avoiding Jack in the first place. _Almost_. He tries valiantly to keep his distance, but Jack has a possessive hand on Alex’s thigh, and Alex is admittedly a little distracted.

They’re in the middle of an episode of _New Girl_ when Alex’s phone rings. _Luke Patterson, slide to answer._ He brings the phone up to his ear, brows furrowed. “Luke?”

“Can you help me get Reggie up to your apartment?” Luke says, and Alex’s heart stops. He can hear Reggie in the background, saying he’s fine, at which Alex starts breathing again. “No, you’re not,” Luke answers him, and then he sighs. “Alex, please? His fever’s pretty high.”

“No, yeah, I’m coming, Luke.” Alex hangs up, not bothering with shoes, and runs out the door, ignoring a protesting Jack. He jogs down the stairs, cursing the wet ground on his warm socks, and once he makes it down the stairs, he sees Luke and Reggie, with Luke struggling to get Reggie to walk any faster than a snail’s pace. Alex’s stomach drops. “Hey, hey,” he says, hurrying over to them. He slings an arm around Reggie’s shoulder and puts the back of his hand to Reggie’s sweaty forehead and frowns. He moves slowly, then, and presses his lips to Reggie’s forehead lightly, but he almost flinches away at how hot it is. It makes Reggie shiver, and Alex speaks softly, close to Reggie’s temple. “Looks like you got a fever after all.”

“It’s 102.4,” Reggie grumbles. “Julie looked mad.”

“She wasn’t mad at _you_ ,” Luke says, and he sounds tired. Alex can only guess he’s said that upwards of ten times tonight at _least_ , knowing Reggie. Luke smooths Reggie’s hair back, about to say something, but his phone rings, startling all three of them. “Ah, shit. It’s Julie. Alex, do you got it from here, or…”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” Alex adjusts his grip on Reggie. “We got this.” Luke frowns, letting his hand squeeze Reggie’s before walking away, and Reggie lists into Alex’s side, face buried in Alex’s shoulder. Alex pulls him closer as they walk up the stairs.

“You’re warm,” Reggie mumbles into Alex’s sweatshirt.

“And you said you were going to sleep until Saturday,” Alex chides gently. Reggie frowns, and Alex presses his lips to the top of Reggie’s head again. Reggie relaxes. “What happened to that master plan?”

“Want soup.” Reggie’s eyes close, and Alex shakes him, opening the door to the apartment. Jack looks annoyed. Alex ignores it.

Alex blinks, easing them into the apartment, just rolling with it. “You wanted soup? Do you still?”

“Reggie?” Jack asks, and when Reggie looks up, he looks guilty underneath the fever flush. That sets off the warning bells. “I thought you were at Luke’s.”

“And Julie’s,” Reggie says. “It’s Julie’s place, too.”

“Okay, well, _Reggie_ is _really_ sick so that doesn’t matter.” Alex lets go of him; Reggie wobbles a little, but remains stable. Alex breathes out a sigh of relief. “Do you need medicine?” Reggie shakes his head, and Alex puts a hand to his forehead, as if anything would have changed, and grimaces. Reggie swats his hand away and sways. Alex shoos him off. “Okay, go sleep, if you can. I’ll get you some water.” Reggie stumbles away slowly, and once his door closes, Alex moves to the fridge to get him water.

Jack stands abruptly, stacking the paper plates angrily. “I thought you were over this.”

Alex freezes. Jack is staring at him, eyes hard. It feels like hours that they stand there, looking at each other, before Alex can even muster up the will to speak. He swallows, taking a deep breath, but his voice comes out cracked and hurt. “Over what?”

Jack huffs. “Your whole _Reggie_ schtick.” The way he says Reggie’s name is dripping with venom, and Alex’s blood boils. “Everything is about Reggie all the time. Like would it kill you to make your _boyfriend_ your priority?” Jack snaps, and suddenly all this shit seems to slot into place: Jack’s subtle digs, his refusal to even try to get to know Reggie, Reggie’s uncomfortableness around him.

Alex can’t believe he’d ignored it all until now.

“Man, if you don’t know by now that Reggie is _always_ my priority then you’ve missed something, here,” Alex snaps back, and Jack looks surprised at the vitriol in Alex’s voice. As if Alex can’t stand up for himself. He barks out a harsh laugh. “I told you. He’s my family. No one’s more important than him.”

“I just wanted one night without him interrupting!” Jack yells, and Alex wills himself to stay calm. Jack is ranting and raving, though, his anger evident, and Alex knows right now that he’s breaking up with Jack tonight. _Took you long enough_ , he thinks. “Just one!”

“Did you _know_ he was sick and you made him leave?” Alex asks, though he thinks he already knows the answer. Jack doesn’t respond, just looks at the floor. Alex laughs again; he sounds more pissed than anything. “Jesus _fuck_ , dude. Get out of my apartment.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I’m fucking serious.” Alex isn’t yelling. He won’t. Jack can yell all he wants but Alex won’t, because Reggie is still here and Alex won’t do a thing that’ll make him afraid ever again. “Get _out_. I’m not saying it again.”

“Oh, come on—”

“No, _you_ come on. I told you; Reggie’s my priority. Always. He’s sick, so of course I’m going to take care of him.” There’s footsteps, and he and Jack both turn at the same time, and there’s Reggie, wrapped in a blanket. Alex sobers quickly, holding a hand out to him. Reggie waves him off. “Reg, hey.”

“Hey, Jack?” Jack looks at Reggie, and Alex can only guess what he sees; a sick, small looking guy wrapped in a giant blanket, red nose and sweaty forehead. His voice is weak, and he looks horrible. There’s a fire in his eyes, though, and Alex smothers a smile beneath his hand, knowing what Reggie’s going to do before he does it. “I think Alex told you to get the fuck out in no uncertain terms. So I would before I ask the landlord to forcibly remove you.”

“You can’t—” Jack cuts himself off, looking at Reggie, then back at Alex. “You’re serious?”

Alex presses his lips together, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, and don’t bother coming back, either.” Alex gestures to the door, and Jack gapes at him before storming out. Reggie leans against the counter, then, and Alex’s breath hitches, turning around. “I’m sorry you—”

“Are you okay?” Reggie asks. He’s so honest, and he looks _so_ tired, and Alex’s heart clenches. He laughs a little, stepping forward. “Alex, I’m serious.”

“Dude, you’re the one dying of the flu or something, shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Alex moves to put his hand on Reggie’s forehead, but Reggie ducks it, and Alex frowns.

“I bet it hasn’t changed since you last checked with your hand like ten minutes ago.”

“Let me make sure anyway?” Alex asks, sitting Reggie in a chair at the kitchen counter. Reggie gives him an unreadable look, and Alex clears his throat. “You never know. Your brain might burn up really easily since there’s nothing in it.” Reggie coughs out a laugh, and Alex returns, sticking the thermometer in his mouth. “Do you still want soup?” Reggie nods, and Alex pulls the thermometer out, clicking his tongue disappointedly at the number. “It’s too high for my liking.”

“Did it go up?” Reggie asks, and then he sneezes. 

Alex shakes his head. “No. But it’s 102 even, and I don’t like that it’s that high with medicine in you.” Reggie hums, letting his head fall to the counter, and Alex sighs, lightly stroking the back of Reggie’s neck with his fingers. “Thank you for sticking up for me.”

Reggie turns his head to look at Alex; even with his feverish complexion and glassy eyes, he’s still the most beautiful person Alex has ever seen. “Always,” he says, and the amount of fervent devotion in his voice has Alex on fire.

And he can’t handle that, right now, so. “Soup?” he asks. “What kind?”

“Whatever they have,” he says through a cough. “I’m not picky.”

Alex frowns. “You are when you’re sick.”

“Alex.” Reggie’s still looking at him through his eyelashes, but his tone is firm, even through all the congestion. Alex blinks. “I love you, dude. If you need to worry about me to get through this, go for it. All I want is some soup. If they only have chicken noodle, which you know is my least favorite soup, then get it.”

Alex nods. “Got it, got it.” He turns to leave, and then he walks back to Reggie, holding out his hand. “Go back to bed, okay? I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He pushes Reggie toward his room and leaves quickly. On his way out, he runs into Julie.

“Oh, Alex!” She smiles warmly, and Alex is suddenly so, _so_ grateful to see her. “I was just coming to check on Reggie.”

“Oh, he’s in bed.” He gestures toward his car with his head. “I’m going to grab him some soup.”

“I’ll come with.”

They’ve been in the car for thirty seconds before Alex opens his stupid mouth. “I broke up with Jack tonight.”

Julie blinks. “Oh my god?”

“Yeah.” He sighs, letting his head fall back against the headrest for a second before the light turns green. “Yeah. He said some shitty stuff about Reggie and I couldn’t.” Julie hums, non-committal. Alex frowns. “What, Jules?”

“Nothing.” She says it too quickly for Alex to believe her, and he raises an eyebrow at her. “Honestly, Alex. It’s nothing.”

“Really.” It’s dry and sarcastic, and Julie snorts. “Julie…”

She groans. “Okay, look. Good riddance to that guy, because he seriously sucks.” She crosses her arms over her chest, leaning her head on the passenger seat window. “And he always hated Reggie. And Reggie just wanted you to be happy so no matter how many times I told him he should tell you…” She shrugs. “He just thought that Jack made you happy.”

Alex puts the car in park, looking at Julie with a wounded expression. She frowns at him, and he frowns back. “You mean to tell me this has been going on for _months_?”

“It’s only late October, Alex, don’t be so dramatic.” She sighs. “Look. I know you love Reggie.” Alex winces, and she holds up a hand. “And I know you thought Jack was the right idea to help you get over it, or whatever. But you don’t need him. You and Reggie are going to move to New York and have a great time next year, and you guys will get your shit together, I know it.”

“Reggie doesn’t feel that way about me, Julie, we’ve been over this.” He gets out of the car, walking quickly toward the door. Julie catches him, fast.

“Okay, but you still have him next year,” she says as they get in line. Alex doesn’t respond, and Julie tugs on his jacket sleeve. “Right?”

Alex swallows loudly. “Reggie doesn’t know about New York, yet.”

Julie blinks. “I’m sorry, what?”

Alex picks at the skin around his nails, opting to look anywhere but Julie’s face. “He doesn’t know yet.” He steps up to the counter. “Hi, what soups do you have today?”

“Chicken and wild rice, butternut squash, and chicken noodle.”

“Can I have a cup of butternut squash soup and a large green tea with honey and lemon, please?” He hands over his card, and he turns back to Julie. “So don’t tell him, okay?”

“It’ll be ready in just a moment,” the man says, handing him his card back.

“Thank you.” He pulls Julie along with him, and she stops in front of the soda fountain. “What, Jules?”

“You _need_ to tell him,” she demands, and Alex throws his hands up in the air.

“ _You_ aren’t even supposed to know about it, and neither is Luke.” Alex sits in the little waiting booth, and Julie sits next to him. “I only told my sister. That’s _it._ She told my parents, and Luke walked in when my mom called asking about it. And he definitely wasn’t supposed to tell you.” Alex sighs, arms crossed. “Fuck.”

“He is going to be so upset when he finds out he wasn’t the first to know.” Julie puts her hand on his arm, and Alex relaxes at her touch, not realizing how tense he was. “You need to tell him before he finds out from someone else.” She leans her head on his shoulder. “Also, you should know by now that anything you tell Luke gets told to me.”

Alex sighs again. “I know. I just…” He shakes his head, then hears his name called; he grabs the soup and the tea, and walks out of the store, Julie by his side the whole way. He hands her the bag, sitting hard. “I can’t lose him, Julie. I can’t.” His voice cracks, and Julie frowns, sliding in the front seat. 

Julie hums, running her hand over Alex’s hair. It’s comforting, like his mom when he’s sick, and he leans into it. “Alex,” she starts, and Alex just breathes in, out. “Alex. You would never lose him. You have to know that.”

“Do I?” Alex leans back against the seat, shaking his head. He puts the car in drive and gets halfway to the apartment before he speaks again. Julie waits him out; she’s always been good at that. “What if he—”

“What if he _what_?” Julie cuts him off, and he snaps his mouth shut. “Reggie’s never done anything to make me think he wouldn’t follow you anywhere.”

Alex swallows, not giving Julie a response. If he thinks too hard about it, he knows she’s right, but then that begs the question: if Reggie does love him as much as Julie says, then why...

And Alex can’t handle that right now, so he drops Julie off, but not before she gives him a sad smile and a cheek kiss and ruffles his hair. Luke waves at him out the window, and Alex pulls away, ready to deliver Reggie his soup but completely unwilling to tell Reggie about New York.

Julie is right. Alex _knows_ Julie is right, because Julie Molina is always right. But the problem is that Alex can’t risk it on the off chance that Julie Molina is _wrong_.

When he makes it back, Reggie is asleep on the couch, mouth hanging open, soft snores filling the living room. In another life, this is a scene of domestic bliss, one with warmth and love and everything in between. In this life, though, Alex just closes the door quietly, trying not to wake him, but Reggie stirs anyway, looking up at Alex through half-lidded eyes. Alex smiles at him, an involuntary reaction to a beautiful boy, and Reggie sits up a little. “‘Lex?” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes and smiling. “That you?”

Alex’s stomach flip-flops. “Hey,” he says, crouching down to run his fingers through Reggie’s hair. He presses a kiss to Reggie’s forehead, still too warm from the fever, and he sighs. “I got your soup.”

Reggie beams at him, and no matter how right Julie is, Alex knows he can’t tell Reggie about New York today. 

—

Somehow, Alex can’t find it in himself to be _too_ heartbroken over Jack.

Of course, he’s a little hurt, still; there’s a pang in his chest since he’d gotten so used to kissing someone, being with someone, waking up and going to bed with someone. It’s small potatoes, though, because Reggie’s happiness is important, too. It’s only been a few weeks, but he and Reggie haven’t really talked about it: the whole night, the break up, the aftermath. Reggie recovered from his flu and valiantly tried to get Alex to open up, but at every opportunity, Alex shut it down. 

Alex remembers Reggie’s break up their freshman year with Marybeth, the way they only left their dorm room for food and class and nothing else, and how Reggie was so heartbroken, not over Marybeth breaking up with him, but how little she seemed to really care for him at all. There’s a similarity that Alex can see between the situations, but Alex can’t even pretend to be heartbroken. And maybe Alex is Marybeth and Jack is Reggie, because Alex never really cared about Jack as much as he should have. To see Reggie look happy and not be walking on eggshells in their own apartment, though? That’s worth it, to him.

Because never in a million years did Alex want to make Reggie feel that way. And _that_ feels like something they should talk about, like adults, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up. He says as much to Julie, while they’re waiting for their music theory class to start, and Julie gives him a look. “You can’t. Not until you tell him about New York.” Her face is unimpressed, and Alex, properly chagrined, sits back in his seat.

“What’s this about New York?” Carrie asks, breezing in to sit next to Julie. She blinks, her stare hard, and she turns it on Alex. “Oh, _please_ tell me you’re moving to New York and can get me a job on Broadway.” Julie laughs, and Alex rolls his eyes. He likes Carrie; she’s brazen, bold, bitchy, and _very_ funny. He met her early on freshman year, at the same time as Julie, and though she can be a lot to handle, Alex finds something about her comforting. 

“You know, Carrie, it’s not always about you,” Alex says, and he shoots Julie a pointed look. “Also, _you_ should stop talking about New York _where everyone can hear you._ ” It’s Julie who’s disgruntled, now, and she crosses her arms, sitting back in her chair. 

“Oh, it’s a _secret_?” Carrie leans forward on her hands, raising an eyebrow at Alex. Alex mirrors her, and she tilts her head. “Oh, it’s not,” she says suddenly, a small smirk on her lips. “You’re just hiding it from Reggie.”

“ _Exposed_ ,” Julie mouths, and Alex throws a pen at her.

“ _Alex_.” Carrie flicks his elbow, and he turns to face her. “You know—”

“I don’t need another lecture on how I feel about Reggie, okay?” Alex hisses; Reggie could walk in at any moment, and Alex isn’t trying to risk anything. “Just let me be, okay?”

“What’s wrong?” Luke asks, and Alex throws his hands up. It’s a proper family affair now. All they need is Flynn and Reggie to complete it, and it’ll be everyone pile on Alex time. “Alex, don’t be like this. Are you still thinking about—”

“ _Don’t_ say his name,” Flynn says, sliding into her seat behind Carrie, kissing the top of her head as she does. “I heard if you say it three times, he shows up even though you _never_ want him to.” Julie snickers, and Alex takes his pen back, throwing it at Flynn this time. “Hey!”

“Why are you throwing pens?” Reggie asks, sitting in his seat behind Alex. He grabs the pen from Flynn’s desk, handing it back. “Are you being difficult?”

“Always,” Luke mutters, and Alex is poised to throw the pen again, but Reggie catches his wrist, and Alex deflates. Luke sticks his tongue out, and Alex wrinkles his nose, turning back to Reggie.

“Hey.” Reggie’s voice is soft, and Alex melts at it. (He’s also _so_ lucky that his friends are nice enough to not tease him about his very obvious crush, because he’s sure this would win him a lifetime of embarrassment.) “Alex. Are you—”

“Good morning, everyone,” their professor says, and Reggie sighs. “We’ll get started in a few minutes.”

“Alex,” Reggie tries again, but Alex just shakes his head. “What’s wrong?”

“I promise it’s nothing.” Alex shoots Reggie a smile, and Reggie puts his chin in his hand, giving him a soft smile. Alex sighs, shaking his head. “We can talk later, okay?” Reggie nods, seemingly satisfied, which is good because the professor has started class, and Alex doesn’t know what to say, anyway. How does one say _I’m in love with you and also moving to New York for school but if you tell me not to I won’t_ without saying that? Alex is pretty sure he can’t.

By the time class ends, Alex is so stuck in his own head that he’s not sure he’s learned a single thing about composition or structure or anything useful, but Luke is pulling him up, and Flynn is chattering on about lunch, and they all get up but Reggie pulls Alex back, knocking their shoulders together. “You good, Reg?” Alex asks. Maybe it’s an attempt to stall. So what?

Reggie huffs. “I could be asking you the same.” He pokes at Alex’s cheek, and Alex swats at his hand.

“Hey!”

“ _Alex_ ,” Reggie emphasizes, and Luke turns around, giving them a look. Reggie waves him off. “What is up with you, dude?” 

“Nothing, I told you.” He doesn’t want to tell Reggie here, on the way to the dining hall. It’s not a controlled environment. _Excuses._ He readjusts his backpack as they continue walking. “Just… thinking about the future. I don’t know.” It’s not _exactly_ a lie, but Reggie just hums. “I just feel gross.”

When Alex looks over, Reggie is nodding. “Yeah, dude. I feel like I have nothing going for me, right now, since I decided on not going to school.” He kicks a rock; it hits Luke’s heel. Luke turns and frowns at him, and Reggie gives him the finger. “Do you know if you’re going to do school or not?”

Alex chokes on a sip of water he’s taking, and Reggie stops, alarmed, hitting him on the back. Alex coughs, and Julie and Flynn turn back, asking him if he’s okay. He waves them off, taking deep breaths. “Yikes. Okay. What did you say?”

“School for next year. In or out?” Reggie laughs.

Alex pretends to think for a moment, even though he feels wildly out of his depth. He hopes he’s covering his fear well enough, but if Reggie notices his apprehension, he doesn’t mention it. “Out,” Alex decides, and Reggie raises an eyebrow. “No. I don’t know. In, maybe?” Alex runs his hands through his hair. “I sent applications out.”

“That’s good!” Reggie laces their fingers together, squeezing them lightly. Alex feels like _shit_ for lying. “Alex, no matter what, you’re going to kill it, I know it.” Reggie doesn’t let go, letting their hands dangle together as they continue their walk. “You always kill it.”

“Oh, nah, no,” Alex starts, but Reggie squeezes his hand too hard. Alex sighs, rolling his eyes. “Maybe. You help.”

Reggie looks at him, stars in his eyes, and Alex has to look away, though he squeezes Reggie’s fingers right back. “Alex.” Reggie leans his head on Alex’s shoulder. “You always kill it. I love you.”

Alex’s heart leaps into his throat. “I love you, too. Thanks, Reg.” Reggie smiles in response, and they continue their walk in silence. Alex is going to tell him about New York. Just… not right now. _Tomorrow_ , he decides. He’ll tell Reggie tomorrow.

—

It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and Alex still hasn’t told Reggie about New York.

Reggie is fiddling with his phone, texting Luke and Julie in the group chat, which is making Alex’s phone blow up, but he can’t bring himself to care because Reggie updates him on every text, and Reggie’s happy, so. Alex is happy too.

The drive isn’t too bad, just a quick hour to Alex’s house, but the traffic in LA adds a considerable amount of time to the drive, and Reggie is getting restless, Alex can tell.

“How much longer?” Reggie asks for the fourth time in ten minutes. Alex sighs, and Reggie leans his head against the window, frowning. “Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Alex reaches over, squeezing his knee gently. “You asked me about three minutes ago.”

Reggie groans, banging his head once on the window, and lets his eyes fall shut. “Jesus. We’re barely moving, huh?”

Alex hums, and Reggie falls silent, reaching for Alex’s hand. Alex closes the gap, letting Reggie play with his fingers. “You good, Reg?” he asks. Reggie shrugs. Alex narrows his eyes. “ _Reginald_.” Alex slams on the breaks, narrowly avoiding an accident, and Reggie squeezes Alex’s hand.

“Shit!” Reggie doesn’t let go, though. “Are you okay?”

“I’m _fine_.” Alex takes the exit, and Reggie hums happily at the recognizable scenery. “I asked you first.”

“Are you still stressed about school?” Reggie asks. “You just seem… uptight. I don’t know. Did I—“

“No.” Alex cuts him off, firmly. “You didn’t do anything, I promise.” _I’m just lying to you about my future because I’m too scared to tell you the truth_ , Alex doesn’t say. It’s so wrong of him to still not have told Reggie anything, but the words dry up in his throat every time he opens his mouth to say something. Alex hasn’t even accepted his spot, and he’s told his mom as much, but the fact is he just shuts down every single time he tries to tell Reggie.

“Okay…” Reggie says. Alex can feel his eyes staring at his profile. Alex turns into his neighborhood. “Alex, I feel like you’re hiding something from me.”

“I’m not!” Alex wiggles his fingers in Reggie’s grip, startling him, and Reggie barks out a laugh. “It’s just—“

“Is it Jack?” Reggie asks, squinting in Alex’s direction. Alex sighs, turning onto his street. “We haven’t really talked about it, much. I’m worried about you.” _I know how you get_ , is what Reggie isn’t saying. Alex swallows.

“I haven’t thought about Jack in at least two weeks,” Alex promises, and he’s so vehement that Reggie nods immediately.

“Okay, wow.” Reggie looks up as Alex pulls into his driveway, and he smiles. “Aw. Your Christmas lights are up already.”

“Not the tree,” Alex reminds him, though it’s half-hearted. “Mom loves it when you help her with that.” Reggie beams, and he jumps out of the car, running to hug Claire, who yells in excitement. Alex leans his head against the headrest, exhaling shakily. How hard can it be to just fucking say it? He gets out of the car, though, and hugs his sister, and Reggie jumps on his back, and he is not going to have a breakdown about New York. Not now, when he has family to see and pies to bake and a Christmas tree to help set up. This Thanksgiving will be good.

So, naturally, it all goes to shit.

Dinner is a quiet affair; it’s just his family and Reggie, and he doesn’t have any baking to do until tomorrow. The take out pasta tastes great, and it’s all lovely and fun. And then his mom says the dreaded words.

“Reggie,” she begins, and Reggie looks up at her, mid-pasta bite, eyes wide. Alex loves him so much. “Do you know what you’ll be doing next year yet?”

Alex coughs, and Claire gives him a raised eyebrow. He just shakes his head, turning to Reggie, who swallows and shrugs. “Oh, I’m not sure yet, Diane,” he says. “I’ve done a lot of sound mixing and producing since high school, so maybe there will be a job open somewhere!” Alex’s heart is pounding, and he takes a big gulp of wine to try and calm his nerves. Reggie shoots him a look, brows furrowed. “But, you know, Alex—“

“Well I’m sure something in New York will open up,” Diane says, matter-of-fact. Reggie blinks. “It’s so expensive to live there on your own, Alex.”

It feels like a punch to Alex’s gut. “Yeah,” he offers weakly, and Reggie’s look turns from one of concern to barely concealed surprise. If Alex’s parents notice, though, they say nothing.

“Of course, we’re just assuming you boys are living together next year,” Jeff says.

“Dad, maybe—“ Claire tries, but Diane cuts her off.

“Of course they would!” she exclaims, and Reggie takes a deep breath, smiling at her.

“Well, I wouldn’t want anything different,” he assures her, smiling, but it’s _wrong,_ wrong, and Alex can’t breathe and the conversation sounds like he’s underwater because Reggie _knows_ and Alex wasn’t even the one who told him, it was his _mom_. 

“...right, Alex?” his mom is saying, and he looks at her, questioning. “It’s a percussion masters program? Reggie was saying you hadn’t told him much.” 

Alex could laugh at how absurd this is, or he could burst into tears, but Reggie looks upset and it’s all his fucking fault and his mom is waiting for his answer. He takes a deep breath. “It is,” he confirms, and she smiles. “I haven’t, uh. Accepted yet.”

“Oh,” Claire says, and Reggie frowns.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, and Alex looks at him, trying to catch his eye, but Reggie’s looking down at his lap. “I think, uh. My stomach doesn’t feel great. I’m just going to go upstairs.”

“Oh, it’s no problem, Reggie,” Jeff says. “If you need anything—“

“Thank you,” Reggie says, effectively cutting him off, and he excuses himself. 

The table is silent for a moment. “Alex,” Claire starts, and Alex shakes his head. He knows she figured it out immediately, but he can’t do this right now, because Reggie... he needs to go to Reggie. 

“I need to go,” he says, and Diane blinks in surprise. “Just. I’m gonna check on Reggie.” And he runs up the stairs, bursts into the guest room that’s also Reggie’s room, only to find Reggie throwing his clothes haphazardly into his duffel bag. “Reg,” he starts, but Reggie holds a hand up.

“School in New York, huh?” Reggie throws his shirt violently, and it bounces back at him; he doesn’t notice. “You’re not hiding anything from me my ass.”

“Reg.” Alex’s voice cracks, and Reggie finally looks up at him, and his eyes are red-rimmed and his expression is furious. “I’m so—“

“I don’t really want an apology, Alex.” Reggie is still throwing clothes, but his tone is hard, cold. It’s the worst thing in the fucking _world._ “I’m not even really _mad_ , you know? Just confused.” He grabs a pair of socks from the floor that he hadn’t even brought to school with him in the first place, and throws that in too.

“Why are you packing?” Alex says, instead of saying anything worthwhile. He kicks himself for it immediately.

“I’m gonna go stay at the apartment.” Reggie says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. It makes Alex’s heart stop, anyway. 

“Please don’t,” Alex begs. “You deserve a nice Thanksgiving. My parents want you here. _I_ want you here.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” Reggie’s voice raises a little, and Alex wants to hug him, though he’s not sure it would be welcome. “I just want to know why. I’m not _mad_ , Alex. I just want an explanation.” Alex opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. “Like I was embarrassed, you know? Your parents and Claire obviously knew that I didn’t know and they tried for my sake and you said nothing. I’m your best friend, and I didn’t know.”

“I know,” Alex says, small and hollow.

“I’m not _mad_ okay?” Reggie sounds _mad_ , still throwing his clothes into the duffle. “I just wish I would’ve found out before dinner.”

Alex tries to speak again, but he can’t. Which is bad because Reggie _needs_ him to speak, because he deserves an explanation. And if he can’t give one, Reggie _will_ walk out, and they’re going to be really fighting for the first time since they were in high school, and Alex can’t have that happen. He’s so fucking stupid. If he’d just fessed up, none of this would’ve happened.

Reggie stops, chest heaving. “Well?” he demands. Alex gulps. “ _Well_?”

Alex exhales, shaky and unstable. He puts his hands up, placating. “Let’s back up, okay? Let me explain.”

“I’d love to hear it,” Reggie says, sitting hard on the bed. Alex shuts the door, and then leans against it, shaking as he slides to the floor. Reggie’s face softens a bit. “Alex.”

“I didn’t know how to say it.” Alex picks at his fingernails. His ring finger is bleeding, by this point. “I didn’t. I swear. I got the email and I didn’t know how to say I’d even applied because I hadn’t told anyone I was going to.” It sounds stupid, even to his ears, and he bangs his head against the door. “You don’t want to leave LA.”

Reggie blinks. “Who says?”

“What?”

“Who says?” Reggie eases himself off the bed slowly, making his way toward Alex. “I haven’t mentioned leaving or not leaving LA.”

“Yeah, but.” Alex shrugs. “You love it here. New York is cold and you love the warmth.”

Reggie sits next to him. “Alex, why does that matter?”

“This school is my dream, you know?” Alex shuts his eyes. “I’ve wanted this since I was ten.”

“I know,” Reggie says. He sounds miserable and annoyed, and Alex’s eyes fly open. Reggie’s frowning, looking confused. “I’ve known you since we were five. I _know_ you. I’d never stop you from your dream school even if—“ he cuts himself off, and Alex grabs his hand. “Even if I’d miss you.”

Alex makes a wounded noise. “Reggie.”

“Do you not…” Reggie looks at their intertwined hands, lips pursed as he thinks. He sits up suddenly, and then he looks at Alex. “Do you not want me there? It’s totally fine, Alex. I just, you know I’d support you.” Reggie’s expression is so earnest that Alex wants to cry.

“Of course I’d want you there,” Alex snaps, and Reggie snatches his hand away. Alex sighs, burying his head in his hands. “I can’t ask you to do that.” It’s muffled, but he’s sure Reggie understands.

“Who says you’re asking me to do something I don’t want to?” 

And that’s just it, right? 

Alex’s shoulders start shaking, and Reggie puts an arm around his shoulders, pressing a light kiss to his neck. Alex’s breath hitches, and Reggie tucks a strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. “I didn’t want to make you upset,” Alex mutters, and Reggie hums in response. “It’s so stupid, Reg. I didn’t want to make you upset, and here we are.”

“I don’t want to go to bed angry,” Reggie whispers, kissing Alex’s temple. “Let’s just… forget about it, for now. Okay?” 

Alex wipes the tears away. “But—“

Reggie shakes his head, and Alex snaps his mouth shut. Reggie smooths Alex’s hair back. “We’ll be okay.”

Something in his tone sounds wrong, though, and Alex isn’t sure if he can believe it.

—

Despite the rocky start, Thanksgiving is… nice.

Alex and Reggie help the Mercers set up the Christmas tree, the extended family comes over for dinner, and Alex can almost forget that there’d been a fight. Alex’s family _loves_ Reggie, and Alex and Reggie act like nothing happened, so no one seems worried, and everything could be fine if Alex didn’t know exactly why the fight happened in the first place. 

Reggie sleeps next to him, because the guest room is occupied, and Alex can barely breathe. He spends much of the time meant for sleep far too awake, staring at Reggie’s profile as if he’d disappear in the middle of the night, or if it would stop Reggie from curling around him. Three days into this, he gets up in the middle of the night, wriggling out from underneath Reggie’s octopus grip slowly, but Reggie stirs anyway, his fingers grazing Alex’s wrist accidentally.

“‘Lex?” Reggie mumbles, and Alex’s heart is pounding.

“Hey, Reg. Go back to sleep,” he says softly, running his fingers through Reggie’s hair. Reggie hums, content, and he snuggles back under the covers. “I’ll be back.”

“‘Kay,” he says. “Love you.” 

Alex could throw up; he loves Reggie so much.

He tiptoes down to the kitchen and grabs a piece of pie, shoveling it in his mouth when the light turns on. “Uh,” he starts, and when he turns, Claire is standing there, staring at him.

“Hello, traitor,” she says, eyebrows raised, and Alex sighs. “I know what you did.”

“I know, I _know_.” Alex sets his plate next to the sink, and Claire hops up on the counter. “Did Reggie talk to you?”

“No.” Claire swings her legs like a little kid; though she’s all of 17, she’s still so young, and Alex feels the need to protect her from a _lot_. “It was just obvious that Reggie didn’t know about it.”

Alex hums, leaning back against the counter, and Claire touches his shoulder lightly. “How do you bring that up to someone you’ve shared literally every life experience with?” He says it more to himself, but Claire answers him regardless.

“Uh, by just saying it?” She pokes his cheek, and he wrinkles his nose, which makes her giggle, her wavy blond hair falling in her face as she does. Alex shakes his head. “Alex. Reggie loves—“

“Don’t.” He stops her, sobering quickly. She sits up, then. “Please don’t. I know I’ve stupidly loved him forever, but I can’t deal with that.”

Claire frowns. “Stupidly?” She tilts her head at him, confusion written all over her face. “Alex, Mom and Dad think you’re together half the time until I remind them you aren’t. I’m pretty sure I’d know if he loves you back.”

Alex can’t deal with that right now. Because Claire could be right, but she could be so, _so_ wrong, and that’s not something he can handle. He swallows the lump in his throat, but his eyes are burning. “Claire?” His voice cracks, and she hums, sympathetic. “I’m going to accept the spot in New York.”

She smiles, though it’s sad. “I knew you would.”

He nods a little too fervently, sniffling. “I don’t want to leave him,” he says, voice hushed. “I don’t want… I’m gonna miss him too much.”

“No one says you have to,” Claire says. “I bet if you asked, he’d come with you.”

“But I couldn’t ask him to.” Alex knows he’s rehashing the conversation he had with Reggie, but Reggie loves L.A. It’s home, to him. He couldn’t ask Reggie to leave his home, leave Luke and Julie, leave everything behind, just to go to New York City and live in a tiny apartment because that’s all they could afford, just for Alex to go to some stuffy music school. He couldn’t. “I couldn’t ask that of him.”

Claire doesn’t say much, just lays her head on top of his, and hugs him close. Eventually, Alex kisses her cheek, and tells her to get some sleep, and then he drags himself up the stairs, and he opens his laptop, pulling up the email where he can accept his spot.

He clicks accept, and immediately begins to cry. 

He’ll send in the deposit in the morning, but he can’t even think. He’s so upset it feels like he can’t breathe, and he crawls into bed, trying to hide his gasping breaths, but Reggie stirs anyway.

“Alex?” he sounds more awake than he should, and when Alex looks at him, he can tell Reggie looks concerned, even though his tears are blurring his vision. “Alex, hey.” His voice is so gentle that Alex cries harder. “Hey, it’s okay.” 

Alex can’t speak, but Reggie doesn’t seem to care. They count their breaths together, and Reggie holds him like he’s something precious, and Alex cries so hard he exhausts himself, eventually, after what could have been hours. He tries to apologize, but Reggie shakes his head, still stroking Alex’s hair. “Just sleep,” he says. Alex’s breathing remains uneven, but Reggie’s unfazed. “Sleep, Alex. I got you. You’re safe with me.”

Alex does fall asleep, then, held by Reggie and scared to tell him about New York once again.

—

If possible, Alex’s situation gets _worse_.

They get back to school, and Reggie just... isn’t around. It’d be fine if it wasn’t so jarring. There’s no morning coffee, no text explanations as to why Reggie is spending more and more time in the music building, and Alex misses him. Usually, they’d be communicating, but Alex hasn’t seen Reggie in about a week, and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Maybe he’s busy with studying for finals?” Julie offers before their choir rehearsal. Alex sighs.

“Or maybe he’s avoiding you,” Carrie says, and Julie smacks her arm. “Ow, Julie!”

“He’s definitely avoiding me,” Alex mumbles, morose. Julie frowns, pushing his hair back and out of his face. “Everything was fine until we got back to campus.” 

“He might still be upset about New York.” Carrie’s casual tone is only mildly irritating, but Julie smacks her arm again, and Carrie looks up from her phone. “What?! You know I’m right.”

“Yeah, but maybe it’s _not helpful right now_ ,” Julie hisses, and then they all spot Reggie walking into the music building. “Oh, look! Maybe he’ll—” he veers to the left, toward the practice rooms, and Alex deflates. “Come this way. Damn.”

“He hates me.”

“Okay, don’t be so _dramatic_ ,” Carrie says. “Reggie could never hate you. He’s like a puppy. I don’t think he has any hate in his heart.”

“If he does, it’s toward _me_ ,” Alex cries, and Julie snorts. “You laugh at my pain? How dare you.”

“You _are_ being awfully dramatic.” Julie scoots closer to him, and leans her head on his shoulder. “Reggie doesn’t hate you. Maybe he just needs time.”

If she’s right, then time is what Alex gets. Reggie shows up to choir right on time, and he leaves right away, not eating dinner with them like he usually does, and he spends a lot of time talking with his advisor, and Alex keeps not seeing him. And he _needs_ to tell Reggie about accepting his spot in New York, but he doesn’t have the chance. Reggie keeps brushing him off. 

Eventually, Alex has had enough. He shows up at Julie and Luke’s, and when Luke answers the door, he comes outside, instead. “Hey, man.” He shuts the door behind him. “What’s up?”

“Reggie’s in there, isn’t he?”

Luke sighs, and leads him down the stairs. “Look, I’m not in the middle of this, okay? I just want you both to be happy.” 

“Okay,” Alex says, rolling his eyes. “And _I_ need to tell him I accepted in New York.” Alex crosses his arms, huffing.

“Oh.” It’s soft, almost involuntary. Alex frowns, and Luke puts an arm around Alex’s shoulder. “I-I mean, I’m sure it’ll be okay. You should text him.”

“I need to explain everything, I think.” Alex puts his head in his hands, sighing. “I hate this.”

Luke nods. “I know.”

“I don’t want to lose him,” Alex mutters. “I _can’t_ lose him.”

Luke sighs again, and they both stare at the busy road in front of them. “You won’t. He would never let that happen. But yeah,” Luke says, and he’s got a small smile on his face. “You should tell him everything.”

So, Alex sends a text. 

**Alex** , 3:44 pm  
_when will you be home tn_ _  
_ _need to talk to you_

Reggie, to his credit, responds right away at the first sign of any distress. Alex hates his life.

 **Reggie**  
_Is everything okay??_ _  
_ _I’ll be home at 7. Want me to bring dinner?_

Seven. That gives Alex just enough time to panic about it, cry, have a meltdown, and get back to normal before he has to tell Reggie about New York. And explain everything. He told Luke he would.

Of course, that means at 6:55, the panic sets in. His hands are shaking, and he’s trying to get the skin off his left pointer finger almost obsessively, and it’s not working, and the door is opening and this is all wrong because he has to say the words and he can’t _say_ them because the skin on his finger is too much and also Reggie will hate him.

“Alex?” he hears, and then the couch is shifting. It’s Reggie, he knows; not just because Reggie lives there, but he smells Reggie’s cucumber and aloe body wash that Claire got him as a joke but now he uses exclusively, and he sees Reggie’s flannel, and _fuck_ he has to tell Reggie about New York. “Alex, what’s wrong? I brought food from the thai noodle place. I got your favorite. I thought you might need it.” _You were right_ , Alex thinks.

He doesn’t speak, yet, and Reggie just rolls with it. They sit there, quietly, and Reggie takes Alex’s hand and gives him his flannel, instead of Alex picking at his fingers. Alex is still shaking when he finally opens his mouth. “You’re going to hate me,” he says quietly, voice cracking.

Reggie looks _crestfallen_. “I could never,” he says, pulling Alex into a hug. Alex feels tears on his cheeks. He’s going to miss Reggie so much. “Never ever. You said the same thing back in seventh grade, and I didn’t hate you then, and I could never hate you now.”

Alex remembers; right before he’d come out to Reggie, he’d said the same thing. _You’re going to hate me._ Reggie had looked just as heartbroken then as he does now, promising with such fervency that he could _never_ hate Alex that Alex had started to cry. And here he is, almost ten years later, starting to cry again. “I accepted it,” he says. “My spot, at the school in New York.”

“Yeah?” Reggie smiles, but his eyes look sad. Alex’s heart cracks in two. “That’s so great. Alex, that’s amazing.” Alex shakes his head, tears falling harder. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know,” Alex says helplessly, and Reggie fully turns then, hugging him tighter. “I should be happy, shouldn’t I?”

“I think so,” Reggie murmurs, running a hand up and down Alex’s back. “This is your dream, isn’t it?”

And that’s just it. It _is_ his dream. He’s wanted it forever. Just… not without Reggie.

Alex lets out a shuddering breath, and Reggie squeezes him. “I don’t know that I really want it if you’re not there.” Suddenly, he feels like he might vomit. He hasn’t _said_ it, but that’s almost too close to telling Reggie how he feels.

Because the thing is… his feelings for Reggie, they’re just a part of him. The sky is blue, water is wet, the constants of life are death and taxes, and Alex Mercer is in love with Reggie Peters. That’s just how it is. Sometimes, it feels all-consuming, like he’s stuck in a labyrinth of his own making and he can’t get out, but most of the time, it just _is._ He wakes up; he’s in love. He meets Reggie in the library; he’s in love. He brings Reggie coffee when Reggie has a late shift; he’s in love. It’s just his life. And he’s spent so much time worrying about possibly not having Reggie in his life anymore that he’d inadvertently pushed Reggie away, and he realized that maybe his dream school isn’t what he wants if Reggie’s not there with him.

Alex is an entire person with or without Reggie, he knows that. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Reggie around for the rest of his life. And, _Jesus_ , that’s a scary thought.

Reggie hums, pulling Alex out of his thoughts. “Hey, ‘Lex.” He presses his lips to Alex’s temple, and Alex can feel himself still crying. “It’s a good thing I got a job offer in New York, then, huh?”

Alex freezes. “Sorry, what?” His voice is still thick with tears, and Reggie cups his cheek, turning his face to look at him. “You _what_?”

“Yeah?” Reggie scratches the back of his neck, a blush spreading across his cheeks quickly. “Um. That night that we fought I, uh. I immediately looked up jobs there. And I applied, honestly it’s not even that great, just teaching piano and bass lessons.” He clears his throat, and Alex is crying for a different reason, now. “But he said he’d love to have me, there’s a college kid moving away and my degree will be great and I won’t be making a ton of money, but—”

Alex throws his arms around Reggie, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “Holy shit, Reg.”

“I kind of don’t want to be anywhere you’re not, either,” he murmurs, and Alex squeezes tighter. “That’s why I’ve been so busy. I...was worried, but Julie told me it was the right thing to do, so.”

“I love you,” Alex says, and he gasps, but Reggie is hugging him tighter. “I love you. Fuck, we need to find an apartment.”

“I don’t know that we need to do that, yet,” Reggie laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. Alex could _kiss_ him. (He won’t.) “I’m sorry I was gone so much.”

“No, it’s okay.” Alex pulls back, and Reggie beams, wiping the tears from his face. “I’m sorry I never told you about it in the first place. I didn’t want…”

“I know.” Reggie grabs his hands, squeezing tight. “But you’re not making me do anything. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Alex bites his lip, smiling, _really_ smiling for the first time in months. “We’re moving to New York!” he yells, and Reggie laughs again.

“Hell fucking yeah!” Reggie jumps up, pulling Alex up with him, and they hug, jumping up and down together, and there’s a knock on the door. “I got it, I got it!” Reggie says, tripping over himself to get the door. Alex laughs, loud and bright, and he’s so fucking _happy_. “Julie! Luke! We’re moving to New York!” 

“You’re _what_?!” Luke yells, but he’s excited, too, and then they’re all hugging, and Julie whispers that she knew it would work out, and Alex is so happy he could cry.

There’s just one little problem.

Alex hasn’t told Reggie about his feelings, yet. 

When they get back to the Mercer house for winter break, it’s clear that the whole family is waiting to see if they’re okay. Alex makes one comment about finding an apartment, though, and when Reggie laughs, it’s like everyone releases a collective breath. _They’re fine_ , Alex thinks, and Reggie smiles, a little smile just for him, and Alex’s heart skips a beat.

Diane pulls him aside, her eyes dancing with mirth. “So you _are_ going to be roommates,” she surmises. Alex rolls his eyes, but he can barely keep the smile off his lips.

“Yes, obviously. Who else would I live with?” Alex laughs a little as Diane grins. “Mom.”

“I’m just wondering when you’re going to—“

“Don’t.” He puts a hand up, but the smile stays on his face. Diane blinks at him. “I know what you’re going to say, and—“

“He’s perfect for you,” she says, and Alex looks at her, genuine surprise coloring his features. “And I just want you to know that your dad and Claire agree with me, so don’t even try and argue.”

There’s a lot in Alex’s head, but he hugs his mom, and he thinks about how lucky he is that she’s so supportive. And that she thinks Reggie is perfect for him. And that she’s cool with him just moving to New York with him. A lot has been shitty about this semester, what with Jack being a dick and his and Reggie’s tiff, but he’s lucky his family’s been in his corner the entire time. (Except for the time Claire told him off for hurting Reggie’s feelings, but that was more of a _you’re an idiot_ call than anything. Alex can’t be _too_ mad; he’d tell himself off, too.)

Claire has apparently decided that this year (“As my Christmas gift to you,” she’d said with a wink, and Alex tried to disappear into the floor) she’s going to hang mistletoe from every possible surface in their house, so everyone will get an equal opportunity to get caught. Alex gets caught under it with Claire, and he kisses her forehead, and Alex’s parents get caught a few times. Jeff gives Reggie a kiss to the top of his head, and Reggie peppers kisses all over the face of Skipper, the family cat, and Alex has to take a moment to breathe.

(“It’s cute, huh?” Claire says, and Alex smushes her face in a throw pillow.)

It’s late at night, and Alex’s aunt and uncle have arrived, but the house is mostly quiet when Alex goes to get himself some water, everyone having gone to sleep. He can hear Claire on the phone with someone, and he makes his way down the stairs, moving slowly, trying not to disturb anyone.

He’s sitting on the counter, sipping his water and looking through his phone, when he hears the stairs groan, and an “oh, shit,” is hissed. It makes him laugh. “Reg?” he calls out, and Reggie peaks his head around the corner into the kitchen, cheeks flushed. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Reggie sidles up next to him, and Alex opens his arms for a hug and Reggie steps forward, slotting in between his legs. “Why’d you leave?” It’s muffled by Alex’s shirt, but he gets it, nonetheless.

“Was thirsty.” Alex keeps him close to his chest, but Reggie doesn’t seem to mind. “What are you doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Reggie pulls back slightly and looks up at Alex. The light in the kitchen is low, but their faces are so close Alex can see Reggie’s freckles and every little movement in Reggie’s face. Alex watches as Reggie’s brows furrow, and his nose wrinkles slightly, and his lips part, and why does this look like a kiss, oh god, at least Alex _brushed his teeth_ , but he huffs out a little laugh, cupping Alex’s cheek. “Claire caught us, I think,” he says, looking up, and sure enough.

Mistletoe.

Alex sputters, excuses tumbling out of his mouth. “Oh, Reg, we don’t have to? I mean, unless you want to, I know Claire was being ridiculous about this but it’s not a big deal, or we could just not and say we did? Unless you want to,” Alex rambles, and Reggie laughs, soft and sweet. Alex snaps his mouth shut, and Reggie blinks up at him, eyes wide and innocent.

“I don’t mind,” Reggie says, and Alex swallows. “It’s for the Christmas spirit, after all.” 

“Of course.” Alex brushes a strand of hair out of Reggie’s face, and Reggie leans in and gives him a quick peck, right on the nose. It startles a laugh out of Alex, and Reggie does it again, and Alex pulls Reggie back into his chest, if only to stop himself from combusting. “You think you can sleep, now?”

Reggie hums, looking back up at Alex. “I didn’t get a kiss from you.” He frowns, looking put out, but Alex knows it’s all for show. Alex rolls his eyes. “It’s only fair.”

“Well,” Alex starts, pulling Reggie in and kissing his cheek. His face is burning the entire time. He’s so thankful it’s dark and Reggie can barely see his expression. “It _is_ only fair.” 

Reggie smiles though, and offers Alex his hands, pulling him off the counter. “I think I can sleep now.”

They walk up the stairs, hands still tangled together, and they crawl into bed, and Alex thinks, maybe, for the first time, Reggie might really like him back.

—

Alex decides to test this theory out in the following days. He continually catches Reggie under the mistletoe, and Reggie continually kisses him anywhere but his lips, but Reggie’s cheeks flush a bright red each time. Claire sends a knowing look Alex’s way every time, and he just smiles, a skip in his step as he walks away. 

Reggie doesn’t bring it up, but he doesn’t seem uncomfortable, so Alex keeps it up, kissing Reggie’s forehead, cheek, nose, shoulder, but never his lips, and Reggie smiles each time. Alex’s Aunt Molly doesn’t bat an eye, but she does bring it up at dinner. “When did you boys get together?” she asks, and Alex inhales a piece of broccoli at that exact moment. Reggie thumps his back, smiling sympathetically at Aunt Molly as if to say, _what can you do_? Alex would laugh at the absurdity of it all if he wasn’t currently hacking up a lung.

“Just this past semester,” Reggie answers, and Alex coughs again. Diane looks alarmed, and Alex tries to shoot her a look that says he’s fine, but Reggie’s still got a hand on his back. “Drink some water, sweetie, I think it’ll help.” Alex sends a glare up at Reggie, and Reggie just smiles back.

Uncle Jon smiles, a twinkle in his eye. “Well, it’s certainly nice to have you in the family officially, then, son,” he says, and Reggie’s eyes widen.

“Oh, no, we’re not—“ Reggie starts, at the same time Alex says, “I don’t know that it’s _that_ serious,” and he and Reggie look at each other, and Reggie’s pouting. “No, not like _that,_ ” Alex stresses, but his mom swoops in.

“I mean, it’s not out of the realm of possibility, is it?” Diane looks at her husband, a small smile on her lips. “You’ve just been so close for so long, you really could get married at any time.”

“Are you encouraging me to go have a Vegas shotgun wedding?” Alex asks incredulously, and Claire snorts, but sobers at Alex’s glare.

“I mean.” Reggie bites his lip. “If that’s what you want.” His eyes betray him; he’s _laughing_ at Alex, and Alex is so fond he can’t even be mad.

“I will pour this water on your lap,” Alex grumbles, and Reggie laughs, so bright and beautiful that Alex almost kisses him right then and there.

The Christmas festivities continue, with a family party and a cookie baking afternoon. Reggie swipes frosting onto Alex’s nose and then kisses it off underneath the mistletoe in the family room, and Alex pulls Reggie into an impromptu dance session in the kitchen when the whole family has gathered into the living room to drink mulled wine and be merry.

It’s just the two of them, slow dancing to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” the lights low, and gingerbread in the oven. Skipper runs to the living room, leaving them completely alone, and Alex feels Reggie rest his head on his chest. _Can he feel my heartbeat?_ he wonders, but Reggie just keeps them moving in a slow circle.

“Technically, I think I should lead,” Alex says, and Reggie hums. “Since I’m taller.”

“I’m letting you,” Reggie says. “You’ve been leading the whole time.”

“Oh, you think you’re so funny.” Alex twirls Reggie before pulling him back into his chest. They fall into a comfortable silence, as Judy Garland sings on. Reggie sings with her, and Alex lets his eyes close, listening to Reggie’s soothing voice. They continue to spin slowly, Reggie singing, and Alex harmonizes, and it’s so wildly intimate that Alex feels like he’s on fire.

The song ends, Reggie’s voice fades, and he laces their fingers together. “Mistletoe,” Reggie breathes, and Alex looks up. “It’s everywhere.”

“Mhm.” Alex brushes his lips against Reggie’s temple. “This was nice.”

Reggie leans in, pressing his forehead against Alex’s shoulder, and Alex spins them around one more time, letting go reluctantly. “I should get the cookies.”

Reggie grabs a cookie tin, and Alex gets the cookies out, and they pack them away quickly. “You guys good?” Claire says, poking her head in. Reggie sends her a thumbs up, and Alex nods, holding his hand out.

“Let’s go? 

The family is all milling around, but Reggie and Alex get mulled wine, finally, curling up together on the couch. They watch, laughing with each other, feeling pleasantly warm and drunk as the night goes on. They’re wrapped in their own little world, their focus only on each other as the party winds down, and people start to leave.When Reggie gets up for a moment, Alex checks his phone.

 **Julie Molina** , 8:21 pm  
_The picture on Claire’s instagram story is cute._

 **Luke Patterson**  
_Smh cuter than me and Jules_ 😡

Claire’s story _is_ cute, and then Alex realizes it’s him and Reggie. If he looks at it, they look like any other loved up couple, curled around each other. It’s perfectly candid, and Reggie has his hand in Alex’s hair, and Alex looks so completely happy. 

Reggie loves him. Reggie _loves_ him.

 **Alex**  
_holy shit_ _  
_ _he loves me doesn’t he_

 **Julie Molina** **  
** _:)_

Reggie comes back, then, dropping a kiss to the top of his head. “What’s that?” he asks, and Alex shows him the picture on Claire’s story. Reggie’s smile is soft, and his cheeks are flushed, though Alex isn’t sure if that’s the picture or the wine. “We’re cute.”

“ _You’re_ cute.” It’s a bad retort, as far as retorts go, but Reggie doesn’t seem to mind. He just leans in, pressing his forehead to Alex’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Reggie nods. “Just tired.”

“We could just… go upstairs? Go to bed?” Alex suggests, and Reggie readily accepts, leading them up the stairs. Alex catches Claire’s eye, and she gives him a thumbs up and a wink, and he shakes his head. He’s not going to do anything tonight. 

Tonight, he just wants to be.

—

By New Year’s Eve, Alex can sense that Claire has had it with him.

“Would you just fucking _tell_ him already?!” She’s yelling, and Alex gapes at her.

“Language, ma’am,” he says, tilting his head at her. She huffs. 

“When Reggie comes down for breakfast, I want you to _tell him_ ,” Claire orders, pointing a finger in his face. Alex rolls his eyes.

“Wait. You’re not dating?” Jeff asks, looking up from his coffee cup. Claire throws her hands up in an exasperated movement.

“Dad!”

“Was that a ruse for Aunt Molly and Uncle Jon?” Diane asks, pointing her mixing spoon at Alex threateningly. “It’s not nice to lie.”

Alex sputters. “I- we- they assumed it!” He sits down in the breakfast nook, hard, and Claire pats his head sympathetically. “I’ll tell him tonight, okay?”

“Tell who what?” Reggie says, and the Mercers jump, causing Reggie to freeze. They all kind of stare at him before Jeff laughs, Reggie laughing awkwardly with him. “Um. I’ve never actually scared anyone before.”

“That’s not surprising, honey,” Diane says, smiling kindly at him. “You wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“I killed a fly once, Diane,” Reggie says. He’s so earnest that Alex has to smother a laugh with his hand. “To be fair, it was in my lemonade, and I was like, seven.”

“Yeah, _I’ve_ killed all the flies for you since,” Alex cuts in, and Reggie nods, his eyes still only half open as he stumbles over to the table. “You good?”

“Tired.” Reggie sits next to him and immediately wraps himself around Alex. He hums, content. “Mmm. You’re warm.”

“Do you want coffee, Reggie?” Diane asks, but Reggie shakes his head.

“It’s okay, thanks.”

“You sure?” Alex checks. “I can get you some.”

“No, stay.” Reggie squeezes Alex tighter, and Claire waggles her eyebrows. Alex shakes his head at her, but she’s seventeen and a little shit, so she speaks anyway.

“Aren’t you just cute as a button, the two of you!” She throws on an affected voice, and Diane laughs. Reggie smiles up at her, and she pats his head, too. “Reg, you’re my favorite brother. Don’t tell Alex.”

“Hey!”

“I’m so honored,” Reggie says, and his eyes are fully open, now, and a little glassy. Alex chuckles, pressing a kiss to the top of Reggie’s head. “Claire, oh my god. Claire!”

“ _I’ll_ get you coffee, since you’re my favorite.” She grabs Alex’s empty mug anyway, though, so Alex can’t be too far behind in the favorites list, and he smiles, still holding Reggie close.

The rest of the day is uneventful. Diane sends Reggie and Alex out to buy alcohol for the night, and sends Jeff out to buy the food, and she obsessively cleans as Alex and Reggie sidestep her to get to the car. 

“Luke and Julie are coming tonight, right?” Reggie asks, distracted by something. Alex starts the car. “Did they tell you?”

“Put your seatbelt on, please,” Alex says. Reggie rolls his eyes but buckles himself in. “And yes. And Carrie and Flynn. And maybe Bobby. I heard he’s in town.”

“Oh, lit.” Reggie throws a fist in the air in celebration.

“Please never say that again.”

They get to the liquor store, and they browse lazily, looking for everything on the list but taking their sweet time. Diane will be cleaning until she literally can’t, and Alex and Reggie have learned over the years to not get in her way. They’re looking at cases of beer, deciding between cheap and good quality when Reggie complains that Diane once again invited too many people. Alex acquiesces, but that’s just his _mom_ , that’s how she is, he says, and Reggie nods, and he looks fond, anyway. Diane _always_ invites too many people. They pick up the beer, the champagne, and everything else on the list, making their way to the counter through the throng of people last minute alcohol shopping.

“Who did this last year?” Reggie asks as they set their haul down on the counter. The cashier gives them an extremely suspicious look, and just to appease him, they both hand their IDs over. He shrugs, handing them back, and Reggie looks up at Alex. “Like, we were twenty, it certainly wasn’t us.”

“Um.” Alex hands his card over, leaning against the counter. “Huh. I didn’t even _think_ about that. My dad, I guess? Maybe this just makes his trip less lengthy.”

“D’you think Diane will ask us to do it next year too? Badger us to come home or something?” Reggie thanks the guy, grabbing the bags, and it hits Alex that Reggie called his house home. Reggie thinks of his family as home, of _him_ as home. He’s sure he formulates some response, but he can’t be sure, because Reggie had never done this before.

When Reggie moved in, he was so _careful_. Careful not to be a bother, not to need a single thing, to only get what he needed for himself and of course be as generous as he could for others, but he never wanted to be a burden to the Mercers. Diane and Jeff had told him a million times that their home was his home. They’d told him this since middle school, and still, Reggie had kept them at a distance. Even during the summer after sophomore year of college, when Alex and Diane nursed him back to health during his stint with mono, he’d kept them at a distance. Even though he _lived_ with them, he was so careful to always say they weren’t _his_ family, they were Alex’s family, who were just kind enough to take Reggie in because they didn’t want him to be homeless. But here Reggie was calling it home for the first time, after four years of living there and sixteen years of friendship.

And Alex is in awe of him. Alex _loves_ him. More than anything. 

They get home, and they get ready, and Julie, Flynn, and Carrie show up earlier than they should to help Alex pick out a shirt. They style Reggie’s hair, making a little swoop, and they get Claire to take stupid photos of them. Luke shows up, bemoaning being late, and Reggie waves out the door at Mrs. Patterson, and they all laugh. They track Claire down to take more photos, and Julie insists on couples’ pictures. Alex and Reggie move behind Claire, but she pushes them in front of the camera, and the other four clear out.

“Take a picture,” she pleads, and Alex and Reggie shrug, posing. “It’s for posterity!”

(Feeling emboldened, Alex kisses Reggie’s cheek in one. Reggie blushes so hard that it makes Luke lose it.)

Eventually, Jeff calls them all down the stairs, and they make themselves drinks, or grab beers, and before they know it, the party is in full swing. Luke and Alex have set up in a corner, while Julie talks to Claire. Carrie and Flynn are probably making out somewhere, and Bobby managed to show up, so Reggie had dragged him to the poker table in grand New Year’s Eve tradition. (“You don’t even _like_ poker,” Alex said, as he has every year, but Reggie always shrugs, saying one day he’ll be a master. Alex would like to see it.)

“It’s nice to see you so happy,” Luke says in Alex’s ear as they watch Reggie and Bobby try to win at poker. Reggie has a terrible poker face, though, and even though Alex can’t see his cards, he can already tell he’s bluffing. “Bet telling Reggie was a big weight off your shoulders, huh?”

And, well. “I, uh… haven’t actually? Done that yet?” Alex takes a sip of his margarita, avoiding Luke’s eyes, but Luke is so ridiculous you could probably see his shocked expression from space. Alex rolls his eyes. “Oh, jeez, keep it down, Luke.”

“I haven’t even _said_ anything yet!” Luke huffs, crossing his arms. He takes a sip of his beer, and then looks back at Alex, discerning. “You really haven’t told him?”

“I’m going to tonight!” Alex says, and Luke narrows his eyes. “I swear, Luke. I’m going to tonight.”

“I don’t believe you.” Luke looks him directly in the eye. Alex feels like he’s sweating through this stupid shirt. “You’re serious?”

Alex nods. “Yeah. It’s, uh. It’s time, probably.” Luke opens his mouth to respond, but there’s a commotion at the poker table. Bobby is moving, but suddenly Reggie is storming out, and then Bobby is grabbing Alex’s wrist. Alex looks up at him, confusion on his face. 

“Come on, Alex, we need to help,” Bobby’s saying, and then Alex is standing, ripping his arm from Bobby’s grip, following Reggie outside. He hears Bobby say something, but he can’t be bothered as he pushes through the crowd of people, finally making it to the back deck, where Reggie is sitting on the steps, staring at his phone. His dad, Bobby, and Luke follow him out, but Alex holds a hand up, shaking his head, waving them off.

“Reg?” He sits down next to him, pressing their shoulders together. Reggie runs his shaking hands over his hair. Alex grabs them before Reggie can pull any hair out, and Reggie releases a shuddering breath. Alex wants to cry. “You okay?”

“I made a scene,” he mutters, and Alex shakes his head.

“Not at all.” He picks up Reggie’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and squeezes. “Talk to me.”

Reggie throws his phone on Alex’s lap, instead. On it, there’s a text from Lonnie Peters, Reggie’s dad, and Alex knows. He doesn’t even need to read the text to know why Reggie is upset, but he does anyway, and they’re asking for money.

“The first time in years,” Reggie is saying. “This is the first time in years they’ve spoken to me, and they’re asking for _money_.” His voice cracks on the last word, and a sob escapes, and Alex wants to lose it.

(But he won’t, for Reggie.)

“God, Reg, I’m so sorry,” he says, pulling him into a hug. Reggie’s trying to shake his head, but Alex holds him so close he probably can’t breathe, because Alex definitely can’t, though whether that’s the hug or the magnitude of his feelings remains to be seen. “You deserve so much better than them. I’m so sorry, baby.” 

Reggie’s arms tighten around Alex, so Alex keeps speaking. “They’ve never _once_ deserved you. Never.” He runs a hand up and down Reggie’s back, and Reggie’s fingers curl in Alex’s dress shirt. “You don’t owe them anything, you know? You have us and you don’t owe them a single thing.”

“Why wasn’t I enough for them?” Reggie whispers, voice breaking, and that’s it. Alex won’t let Lonnie Peters ruin tonight for Reggie. So Alex pulls back, holding Reggie’s face in his hands gently, like it might break, but tight enough that Reggie won’t run away from him, and he just goes for it. 

“You’re enough for me,” Alex says, and something in Reggie’s expression shifts, like he _understands_ . So Alex just keeps going. “You’ve always been enough for me. And I _love_ you. And I know I can’t fix them but I can sure as hell make sure you’re loved enough by me, hm?” Reggie blinks, eyes glassy but full of love, and Alex takes a deep breath. “I love you, Reggie. More than anything.”

“More than anything, huh?” Reggie’s voice is wrecked, but he sounds hopeful, somehow. Alex smiles at him, but Reggie keeps looking, like he’s really _seeing_ Alex, now. “Shit, Alex. What took me so long?”

Alex shakes his head in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“I’m going to kiss you, now, for real,” Reggie says, and Alex swallows harshly. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “No more of that mistletoe bullshit, okay?” And Alex is shell shocked, but he manages to nod, and so Reggie leans in and kisses him.

And, full disclosure: Alex and Reggie have kissed before. It was during a game of truth or dare two years ago, and they’d both never spoken about it again. But this...

Reggie’s lips are totally chapped and they taste like salt and the rum and coke he’d been sipping on, and their teeth keep knocking together, but somehow, it’s perfect. It’s completely and utterly perfect, and everything falls away, and all there is is Reggie and Alex is kissing him and he never wants to stop.

Reggie bites Alex’s lip, and Alex groans a little, and then he pulls back, hiding his face in Reggie’s neck. Reggie laughs, still hoarse, but he sounds happy, and he presses little kisses to the side of Alex’s face. “Alex,” he whispers. “Alex. I love you so much. Why are you hiding your face right now?”

Alex laughs, then, kissing Reggie’s neck. He bites down a little, and then kisses the sting away. “Because I know my dad was watching to make sure you’re okay, and I _really_ don’t want him to know what I’m into during a make out session.” Reggie hiccups, once, and then inhales shakily, and Alex pulls back. “Also. _Are_ you okay?”

Reggie hums, running his hand down Alex’s arm. “Yes.” He furrows his brows, taking a deep breath, and he frowns. “With kissing you? And being in love with you? Yes. A million times. With my parents? No. But I don’t want to think about that, right now.” He leans in, kissing Alex again. “I’m with you, I’m definitely okay.” And he kisses Alex again.

And again.

And they’ll have to talk later, about Reggie’s parents, and about the party, and about what this means, but Reggie’s in love with him. Reggie is in _love_ with him. 

Nothing else matters.

—

_six months later_

There’s exposed brick in the apartment.

Reggie wants to put a poster that Flynn made directly on the exposed brick, but Alex wants to frame it. “It’s special,” he says, looking at it. _Julie and the Phantoms_ , it reads. Who knew a dumb band made on Halloween freshman year would mean so much to him? “Framing it is better.”

“Is exposed brick out?” Reggie asks. “Flynn acted like it was.”

“Carrie said Flynn has no taste,” Alex points out. “I still think we should frame it.”

Reggie comes up behind him, snaking his arms around Alex’s waist, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. A _lot_ had happened in the last semester; Carrie and Flynn got engaged, Julie and Luke moved closer to their new job and got a puppy, and they all _graduated college_. It felt surreal. And here Alex was, moved across the country completely, with his _boyfriend_ , in a tiny studio with cute ass exposed brick. It’s like a dream come true.

“Almost,” Reggie says, and Alex knocks his head against Reggie’s. “The studio is _really_ tiny.”

“It’s cute!”

“It’s _small_.”

“You love it,” Alex says, turning in Reggie’s arms. He kisses Reggie’s nose, and the bridge of Reggie’s nose turns red. It is _incredibly_ cute. “I know you love it, because you _said_ you loved it, and I always know when you’re lying.”

“I love _you_ ,” Reggie counters. “And you love it, so.” Reggie shrugs, and Alex picks up a pillow and throws it at him. “Hey! Alex!” Reggie runs, but there’s not much space to run to, and Alex ends up tackling him to the bed, pinning him down. Reggie’s laughing, hair askew, shirt riding up, and he tries to wriggle away. “Alex,” he whines, and Alex shakes his head.

“Say you love it,” Alex says, breathing hard. He leans down closer to Reggie’s face, until their noses are touching. “Say it.”

Reggie smirks. “Make me.” And Alex loves a challenge.

So Alex’s life had been a bit of a rollercoaster, but lying on his bed, making out with Reggie, living in New York getting ready to go to his dream school? Everything was coming up Alex. 

Life had never been better.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed it <3


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